


Missing Piece

by 1d_larryshipper



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Bottom Louis, Drunk Sex, Dubious Consent, Emotional Abuse, Happy ending though, Harry Styles - Freeform, Harry/everyone but Louis at first, Louis Tomlinson - Freeform, M/M, Male Pregnancy, Mpreg, Older Louis, Sad, Sad Louis, Unrequited love (sorta), Younger Harry, and drunk does not equal consent, and there's a warning at the top of the chapter, but please be mindful when reading, but they both want it in the drunk state of mind, dumb harry, eventually, it's at the end, it's only mentioned, like they are both drunk, male pregnany, natural birth, ok yeah, verbal abusive, you can skip that part too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-02
Updated: 2015-02-19
Packaged: 2018-02-03 05:18:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 38,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1732544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1d_larryshipper/pseuds/1d_larryshipper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis and Harry have been best friends for as long as they can remember. Louis has been in love with Harry for as long as he can remember, but Harry continues to be blissfully unaware. It's all fine until Harry gets Louis pregnant, and Louis is left with confronting his feelings or hiding forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Darling, sweet lover, one day this will all be over.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys. I've not posted in awhile and I'm really sorry-I've had a lot going on personally and haven't been up for doing a lot of writing. Hope that this interests you and you enjoy it though!
> 
>  
> 
> Tumblr: running-lantern.tumblr.com 
> 
> you can come on and ask me anything/give me a follow/ask for a follow :).

Louis is almost three when Harry is born, and his mummy dresses him in his best jean jacket and lets him walk the whole way to Auntie Anne's house. When they get there, Gemma is playing with her Barbies in her room but Louis has no time for seeing how many plastic high heels he can hide in his nose. His mummy promised there was a very special surprise.

 

 

Auntie Anne is in her big green chair in their living room, and Louis likes her yellow dress. It's soft as it tickles his legs when he presses against her legs for a hug. In her lap is a small bundle, wrapped in a light blue blanket and Louis thinks maybe she has one of Gemma's baby dolls in her lap. He reaches up for her (likes to rub her big tummy for New Friend Harry in the Belly and feel him kick) and gives a whine when his mummy says, "Not today, Louis. Look at who Auntie Anne is holding!"

 

 

Louis stares hard at the bundle, and thinks for a long time. There's a tiny nose and a head of dark, wispy, hair that he swears he hasn't seen before. The big green eyes suddenly blink open and the pink mouth of the suspected Gemma baby doll opens wide in a yawn and Louis can see its gums in place of teeth and a little tongue. Maybe not a doll, then, Louis concludes. "Baby?" He asks Auntie Anne and touches the middle of the blanket where he thinks the belly might be.

 

 

"Good job, Louis!" Auntie Anne tells him, "Remember when my tummy was very big and we felt for our new friend Harry each day?" Louis nods because of course he remembers. He loves feeling for his New Friend Harry in the Belly. "Guess what? He is all done growing and was ready to come out! Now our new friend Harry is here with us," she tells him happily. Louis cocks his head because when Auntie Anne told him about his New Friend Harry in the Belly, she said he would be all his to play with. Forever. And forever is a very long time, at least that's what everyone in the films kept saying.

 

 

"My baby?" He asks her and is stroking up and down the little body. The blanket is soft and feels good against his hands, Harry's big, bug eyes are watching his face and he's drooling a little. Louis loves him.

 

 

"Not your baby, poppet," His mummy laughs and scoops him up. Louis turns immediately so he can see the New Friend Harry in the Belly, and frowns.

 

 

"Not my baby?" He asks her feeling hurt.

 

 

"No Harry is Auntie Anne's baby. He can be your friend when he's a bit older," his mummy explains and Louis frowns deeper, feeling angry and like he wants to cry.

 

 

"No," he pats his mummy's cheek sympathetically. Sometimes she has a hard time understand exactly everything Louis wants, "He's my baby,"

 

 

"Poppet, I don't think that Auntie Anne wants to give you her brand new baby!" Both of the mums laugh with each other and give that look that Louis has come to learn as the Exasperated-But-He's-So-Cute look.  He gets it most when he dances the twist with his granddad with his Spider-Man pants on his head.

 

 

Louis looks expectantly at Anne, "My baby?" He asks her and feels annoyed when she chuckles and shakes her head.

 

 

"Sorry LouLou, I think that I'd like to keep Harry for myself." She rocks the little bundle and gives the tiny forehead a kiss.

 

 

Louis feels his lower lip begin to tremble. He has been waiting for a very long time for New Friend Harry in the Belly to come for him and now they aren't going to let him have his very special surprise? Louis hiccups and then he lets out a wail. He hasn't cried since three days ago when he tumbled down the steps in the garden at Nana Olives and he hates the way he can't stop himself. His mummy hushes him immediately and carries him to the kitchen to sit him on a chair all while he keeps crying.

 

 

"Aww poppet, he's still going to be your friend. You just can't keep him all to yourself," and that's it then, isn't it? The first but certainly not the last time he would hear those words for the rest of his life. And after life. And probably his in-between life and alternate universe life. Because New Friend Harry in the Belly is going to be his and he is not willing to share. Even with Auntie Anne.

 

 

Speaking of her, she calls in and asks if Louis “Would like to come in and hold the baby when he was all done crying?” Louis stops crying abruptly and lets his mummy clean his face with a napkin then follows her into the living room to stare at the bundle still in Auntie Anne's arms.

 

 

"Just take a seat right up in the corner of the sofa LouLou, and I'll put him in your lap." Louis lets mummy situate him and then Auntie Anne is placing a half moon shaped pillow that's white with little cartoon tigers and balloons on it on his lap. Then New Friend Harry in the Belly is in his lap with his head supported by the special pillow.

 

 

"Hi," Louis says to the baby and when he doesn't respond Louis knits his brow together, "Hi New Friend Harry in the Belly," Louis says again, and Harry looks up at him with his oval eyes, the faintest bit of a smile appears on his face, and he makes a scary sound that makes Louis jump and causes him to giggle in surprise. "I love you," Louis says seriously for the first, and certainly not the last, time and both their mums coo over how sweet the exchange is. Louis kisses the baby's forehead and for the first time in his life he feels like he's needed for more than just making his mummy laugh.

 

 

**

 

 

Louis will be turning six soon when Harry (no longer New Friend Harry in the belly) is almost four. His birthday is next week, and Louis is very excited that Harry will be done with nursery and will be at his school next year. Louis adores Harry and Harry adores him, and it's hard to adore each other when they aren't at the same school. Louis made Harry a card for his birthday, and his mummy helped him pick out a special present (Spider-man action figure) to wrap and give Harry. Louis has been having a hard time keeping it a secret because he and Harry don't keep secrets but he made a promise to his mummy. No telling Harry until he opens it because Harry will be much more excited if he gets a surprise.

 

 

But what Louis is most excited for is the fact that he and his mummy are going to Auntie Anne's because both of them have a Very Special Surprise for all the kids. Louis doesn't have to hold his mums hand anymore when they walk along the street, not unless it's very busy, but he always does anyways. If he had to count his best friends his first would be Harry and second would always be mummy.

 

 

As they walk along and she talks on her mobile, Louis kisses her knuckles. She told him once that he was the best thing that had ever happened to her, and he was the most beautiful boy she had ever known. He likes to think that she's the most beautiful woman he had ever known. When she feels his kiss she smiles down at him with her Very Special Louis Smile, and mouths 'I love you.'

 

 

He waits until she hangs up and then looks up at her, "What is our Very Special Surprise?"

 

 

"Well it wouldn't be special if I told you now would it?" She teases him and they turn into Auntie Anne's front garden.

 

 

"How long will I have to wait?" He feels anxious, never having liked waiting for any type of surprises.

 

 

"Not long, love," She knocks the front knocker and Gemma answers the door. She's eight now and missing her two front teeth, and she waves them in where they can hear Harry singing along to his dads Beatles CD. Harry loves to sing and dance to them, and everyone thinks he's very cute (which Harry also loves) so he does it often.

 

 

"Hi Harry!" Louis shouts out to his best friend. Harry stops his wiggling and runs up to Louis to hug him. Louis' mummy said that Harry is a huggy boy, which means he loves lots of affection so Louis tries to give it to him as much as he can. Louis kisses Harry's forehead the way his mum does sometimes, and Harry holds Louis hand.

 

 

"I'm dancing!" He tells Louis and Louis giggles because he already saw Harry doing that, but likes to make him happy by pretending not to know anyways.

 

 

"Can I dance too?" He asks seriously and Harry grabs his hands as they bop and spin around, giggling and posing with their tongues out and eyes closed.

 

 

When Auntie Anne and Louis’ mum come into the room they turn off the music and it's awhile before they can calm down the kids and get them settled on the sofa. Louis sits with Harry in his lap, and Harry pops his thumb in his mouth and leans back against Louis' chest.

 

 

"Harry, Gemma, daddy was at work last week when his boss had very big news for him," Auntie Anne says, and Gemma sits forward but Harry stays planted in Louis' lap. Louis sometimes feels sad he doesn't have a daddy too, but his mummy promises him that he doesn't need a daddy in order to feel happy because he has her. "Do you remember when I showed you pictures of Disney World in America?"

 

 

Gemma squirms excitedly and nods her head, but Harry just keeps sucking on his thumb and twirls his other hand in Louis' hair. He shrugs when his mummy looks expectantly at him, and then looks back at Louis to see if he knows what his mum is talking about. Louis shrugs back at him, and pats a hand on Harry's head.

 

 

"Well..." Anne turns to Jay and they smile with that secret parent smile that Louis can never understand. "Daddy won tickets for all of us to go to Disney World!" Gemma shrieks and cheers, leaping off the couch and bouncing around the room yelling about princesses.

 

 

Louis has heard of Disney, knows all about Cinderella and The Fox and the Hound but he didn't know there was an entire world. Harry stares wide eyed at his sisters screaming and then he gets the lines between his eyes that Louis recognizes all to well as Harry's About To Cry face.

 

 

Louis mummy told him that loud noises sometimes scare babies, and people who are very sensitive, so Louis should work on staying Extra Quiet around those types of people. She also said Harry is very sensitive (but it's okay because that makes them love him extra) and he had to be careful about being to noisy in front of him. Harry begins to cry as Gemma continues to scream and covers his ears looking at his mum.

 

 

Auntie Anne plucks Harry straight from Louis' arms as Louis tries to rub Harry's back like his own mum does when he's upset. Louis watches as she calms him down and then they all settle around the computer so she can show them pictures of Disney World, and by the end of it even Harry is smiling again.

 

 

Louis wishes all the time, and especially in that moment, that he could be the only one who could get Harry to smile but his heart still flutters in his belly as Harry giggles over a picture of Goofy. All Louis ever wants is for Harry to be happy.

 

 

**

 

 

On their walk home Louis is Very Quiet because he has been thinking a lot about Disney World. "Mummy?" He asks her quietly and she hums down at him. "Are Harry and Gem going to live in Disney World forever?"

 

 

She laughs and Louis huffs loudly because he Cannot Stand It when his mummy laughs at him. She's his second best friend, after all, and she's always telling him how friends aren't supposed to laugh at each other. "Oh baby no, it's only for a few days. We're going with them, didn't you hear Auntie Anne? Uncle Des won them for all of us. Nobody is moving anywhere." She bends down and Louis presses close enough that her eyes become one big eye. "My sweet boy," She tells him when he giggles and she kisses his cheeks.

 

 

He gets that warm feeling in his belly that his mummy always makes him feel. "Always going to be me and you, huh mummy? Me, you, Harry, Gem, Auntie Anne, and Uncle Des! Together forever. Especially me and Harry because of Love. He's my Prince Charming!" She has a sad look in her eyes and Louis definitely doesn't like that so he frowns and grips her cheeks between his hands and kisses her. "Smiles for Louis!" He tells her which is what she always says to him when he's sad. He loves giving smiles for mummy if it makes her happy.

 

 

"You know, baby boy, that someday Harry...he might be someone else's Prince Charming?" Louis stares blankly at his mummy because why would Harry be anyone else's but Louis'? That just doesn't make any logical sense.

 

 

In fact just last week Louis had picked a bunch of flowers and given them to Harry as an Ordinary Present. Harry would never replace Louis with someone who didn't even think to give him Ordinary Presents.

 

 

"Mum," Louis sighs because once again this is why his mummy is second to Harry, she just never understands him. "Me and Harry are forever. I saw it in a film and I know that we are it."

 

 

"Baby you're only six-" She starts to say but then she stands up and kisses his forehead. "Maybe I'm just jealous. Thought that it was you and me against the world?" She takes his hand in hers again and they start walking again.

 

 

"Yeah but Harry's my Forever." He reminds her, "He's mine."

 

 

"Sure, Louis." She says and Louis doesn't like the sound of that. He doesn't say anything because he knows it's true. Harry's his forever.

 

 

**

 

 

Louis is sixteen and Harry is fourteen when Louis’ mum springs on him that she’s getting married. As if giving him two sisters (with two more on the way) wasn’t enough, now she was bringing some random man into their home. Their home. His and mums. And Louis supposes it might also be Lottie and Félicité’s home but he often chooses not to include them in it. He wasn’t going to forget how his mum had promised it was him and her against the world.

 

 

See, Mark isn’t that bad of a guy (and he maybe isn’t a random man but that doesn’t make his official married title okay). He takes Louis to footie matches at Rovers stadium occasionally and even bought him new boots and a new kit when he made their town’s local youth team a year ago. He’s been a good dad to both of Louis’ sisters and it isn’t like things are going to change all that much considering he’s been living with them since Lottie was born (almost eight years ago now). So, realistically, it isn’t like anything is changing except for the title. And really, it isn’t that Louis hates Mark. In fact, most days, Louis would even go as far to say that Mark was a pretty decent bloke. There’s so much more involved to Louis’ retaliation against the marriage.

 

 

The first bit is Louis has always seen Mark as Lottie and Fliss’ dad and never his, and now he’s just meant to call him that? Louis didn’t know the first thing about having a dad as his own.

 

 

More so than feeling forced to have a dad he wasn’t even sure how to love, Louis was starting to have questioning feelings about his sexuality. Like. Questioning feelings about boys…and not girls. He had tried hard to see what the other boys in his class were talking about when they mentioned wanting to shag Eleanor from the year above, with her long legs and humongous breasts.

 

 

Mostly when they start talking about what they think she’d taste like, all he can think of is how two weeks ago he had taught Harry how to kiss, just a simple few pecks on the lips just between the two of them, and Harry tasted like strawberries. He doesn’t think that Mark will want anything to do with a son (as of now, his only one even if they aren’t blood) who fancies having a hard cock shoved up his bum. A son who fancies having Harry’s hard cock shoved up his bum. Louis isn’t sure that he wants anything to do with his own self when he thinks of who he would rather fancy. As he walks down the darkened street to Harry’s house Louis’ heart lurches at the thoughts he has racing through his mind and feels sick.

 

 

He kicks hard at a rock (to distract himself from his thoughts) that shoots out into the street almost hitting a car speeding past. It just angers him more that the rock doesn’t come into contact with the car. Maybe Mark wouldn’t want to be a dad to someone who snuck out well past curfew (it was nearing 1 am) and had a criminal record. It would be better news than having one who was gay. Shit, Louis gripes to himself and wipes angrily at his tears.

 

 

Okay so maybe hitting cars with rocks on accident wasn’t criminal record worthy. Still. He’s out front of Harry’s front garden before he realizes it and he knows it’s 1 am but he’s grabbing the spare key from the potted plant on the porch and sliding it in the door. He’s glad that Anne is on holiday with her new boyfriend, Robin, as he’s not exactly quiet as he struggles to remove his trainers in the dark. Harry’s door is closed over but Louis knows he’s not asleep. Harry’s just started dating a girl called Kendall and Louis knows for fact that they stay up half the night snapchatting stupid faces to each other with cute captions. Two weeks prior Harry had begged Louis to show him how to kiss, and Louis had said yes never being able to deny Harry a single thing, so he wouldn’t mess up when he took Kendall out for the first time.

 

 

Louis hates Kendall. He’s positive she doesn’t give Harry Ordinary Presents. But now Louis is also positive that Harry isn’t going to be his Prince Charming, and probably won’t stay his Forever. He raps lightly on the door not wanting to scare Harry, and then pushes it open, seeing Harry sat up in his bed with a frown facing towards the door and only his bedside lamp on. His navy duvet is wrapped loosely around his, probably nude, hips and his face softens when he realizes it’s Louis. “Wondering when you would come,” He whispers gently, “Put the key back in the pot?” He’s already scooting over and setting his mobile next to his lamp.

 

 

“Of course,” Louis doesn’t want to be harsh with Harry but he’s still angry. It’s about the only emotion he’s felt since he was twelve and realized that womanly parts were actually terrifying, and apparently that wasn’t an okay thing to feel when you were a boy. Or at least that’s how it was at school.

 

 

He’s pretty certain his mum must suspect it at least, she won’t ever get rid of those photos of him in her lipstick when he was younger, but she’s only mentioned once that he could talk to her about anything and she would always love him. Life is busy when you’re a pregnant mother of three. “Sorry,” he says when he sees Harry’s frown.

 

 

“Come here then,” Harry pats the bed enticingly and Louis goes with a practiced ease into the spot he wishes he could call his. He needed to work on not being so in love with Harry. He was setting himself up for failure. “You’re going to sleep in your jeans?” Harry’s already reaching over him for the light and bathing them in just the moonlight from his window above the bed. He looks beautiful with his soft curls and bow mouth. Louis knows that mouth tastes like strawberry and wants to kiss him. He turns away and slides his jeans down; he isn’t that stubborn to leave himself uncomfortable.

 

 

“Sorry,” he says again quieter as they listen to the thunk of Louis’ belt hitting the carpeted floor. Harry hooks his chin over Louis’ shoulder, mainly out of habit, as he spoons behind him and Louis can feel the rise and fall of his chest.

 

 

“Your mum called over here about three hours ago. Said you just walked out when she told you and she’s worried. You called her back?” He hadn’t but he had at least sent a text saying he was fine. She had known him long enough to interpret that as ‘I’ve gone to Harry’s and won’t be back till morning.’ Or never. Whatever. “What’s going on in that head of yours?” Harry scratches his fingers through Louis’ fringe and Louis’ keeps his eyes squeezed tight. He wishes that Harry weren’t so wise beyond his years, that he wasn’t so much more mature than Louis himself. That his fingers didn’t feel so good scratching against Louis’ scalp.

 

 

“Dunno,” he breathes out and rolls over onto his back. Harry follows his movements easily and tucks his face into Louis’ neck.

 

 

“Talk to me, Lou. I’m your favorite.” He’s giggling slightly but Louis can hear the desperation behind his voice.

 

 

“Don’t want Mark to be my new dad.” He mumbles and Harry sits up. His brow creases and pouts his lips prettily. Always so, so pretty. He rubs his fingers along Louis’ arms gently tickling in comfort.

 

 

“Babe, he’s already like your dad.” Louis hates (loves) when Harry calls him babe so he smacks his thigh but not hard enough to hurt because he couldn't ever hurt Harry. Just enough to have Harry shove him a little with a giggle.

 

 

 

“Well. Now it’s official. Or it will be official. He’ll be the new dad and I-“ He stops because he’s cried in front of Harry but he doesn’t like to do it. He swallows hard.

 

 

“You?” Harry never lets him off the hook. They are quiet for a long while and Louis thinks maybe Harry might have drifted off because he’s laid back down and curled into Louis’ side for a cuddle letting Louis rub his back slowly.

 

 

“Haz?” He keeps his voice pitched low and it surprises him how much it isn’t shaking. He wasn’t going to tell anyone about how he thinks (fuck, knows) he’s gay. But if he was going to tell anyone it would have to be his Forever (Louis realizes trying to renounce Harry as his Forever is a lost cause, even if Harry might have renounced him). Harry hums and Louis plans to leave it at that and let Harry get some sleep and tomorrow they can not talk about it over breakfast. He loves Sunday mornings at the Styles.

 

 

“Yeah babe?” Harry is pulling his face from where it had been buried against Louis’ collarbone when Louis doesn't immediately continue and rolls them so they are both on their sides and are face to face.

 

 

“Harry.” Louis says and he’s never felt so nervous around Harry before. “Harry I’m. There’s a reason I hate you calling me babe all the time,” Harry frowns hard at that and clenches their hands together.

 

 

“I always call you babe. It’s what we do. I know you’ve said it isn’t a thing best mates who are blokes do but we aren’t like everyone else, we’re HarryandLouis.” He looks upset so Louis squeezes his hands to comfort him and maybe shut him up a bit.

 

 

“It isn’t because that’s not what blokes should do,” He’s definitely going to get sick all over Harry’s sheets and it’ll be really miserable sleeping on the couch. He can’t stop the mantra of ‘fuck’ going through his mind. “Harry I don’t like-I think I might. I know I a…I can’t.” He can’t get the words out and he sits up so fast his head feels light and he sways a bit. Harry goes with him and loops an arm around Louis’ shoulders, always one to be so tactile to comfort.

 

 

“S’matter? What’s going on? Should I call your mum?” Louis starts crying at that, big, ugly tears that he can’t stop and it only seems to send Harry more into a panic because Louis only cries when he’s really upset, unlike Harry who cried last week at the ending of Marly and Me. “Louis, Lou, babe, what is going on? Talk to me, please.” He’s wiping at the tears streaming down Louis’ face and Louis starts to hyperventilate a bit, his chest rising erratically and his breathing swift. “Louis, love, breathe for me. It’s me, just me. I’m here with you. You’re okay, shh.” He doesn’t pull Louis into his chest which Louis grateful for, just rubs his hands over Louis’ back and kisses the side of his head and rests his lips against Louis’ ear so he can whisper sweetly into it. Louis manages to get his breathing back under control and wipes at the tears, giving an embarrassed chuckle.

 

 

“Sorry.” He states for the third time that night and Harry hushes him, pulling Louis so close to him that it’s hard to tell where one begins and the other ends.

 

 

“Talk to me.” Harry says as they lay back down, this time with Harry on his back coddling Louis into his chest.

 

 

“I’m gay.” There’s silence and Harry stops his hands from where they are tickling along Louis’ back. When Harry doesn’t respond after Louis’ counted to ten (twice) Louis slowly slides out of Harry’s embrace and reaches for his trousers on the ground.

 

 

“What are you doing?” Harry asks hoarsely as Louis gets up and begins to clothe himself again. “Stop, Lou.” He reaches for Louis’ wrist which Louis pulls away sharply and their eyes meet in an instant. Curious and hurt green ones meet Louis’ fearful blue.

 

“I figure you don’t want me here. Or in your bed.” He shrugs as he does up his zipper and then the button looking around for the socks he’d haphazardly chucked.

 

 

“Louis why the fuck would you ever think that? Get your damn kit off and come back here and lay with me. You think that I care that you’re gay? Lou, you could be in love with Monsieur Dubois with his pork belly and skin condition and I would help you send chocolates through the post if I knew it would make you happy.” Louis laughs at the reference to their French teacher but doesn’t make a move to get back into Harry’s bed. “I’m a little shocked you’ve waited so long to be honest with me, but babe.” Harry stops himself with his eyes closed, “Sorry. Guess you don’t want me using that anymore?” He looks a bit wounded at the idea but his face is honest and kind.

 

 

“You can call me whatever.” Louis whispers hoarsely and after a few beats of silence adds, “Except that I’m gay for Monsieur Dubois. I failed his section of French twice, Hazza.” They both crack smiles at that.

 

 

“Maybe if you had shown him a bit more affection that wouldn’t have happened,” Harry looks hopeful to Louis at the joke and with that they are both laughing and Louis is making his way back over to the edge of Harry’s bed. “Lay down with me, please?”

 

 

“You sure you’re not bothered?” He asks with a tight throat.

 

 

“The only thing you do that bothers me is not love yourself enough. I want you to be happy and I want you to be honest. Don’t bottle this up for…how long have you known?”

 

 

“Since I was twelve.” Louis says dully and Harry sits up next to him with their legs tangling up as they hang them off the edge of the bed.

 

 

“Christ Louis.”

 

 

“Yeah well. You remember when Tom tried to kiss Stan during lunch once and he got hit. I wasn’t going to do the same to myself.” He shrugs and Harry flinches at the mention of a few boys from their school who had fought a few years back. Harry had cried to his mum and Louis for ages at the use of violence and Louis remembers squeezing Harry’s hand and telling him nobody would be allowed to touch him if Harry wanted to kiss boys, even though Harry hadn't expressed any interest in doing so. Louis can remember wishing Harry would say it back to him, but he never did because was only twelve at the time. Louis still wished he had the bravery he preached to Harry.  “I’ll just go away after I graduate. Maybe start taking my GCSE’s a bit more seriously and go off to uni in London. Heard they love the gays.” Louis eventually adds and he tries to chuckle but it falls short.

 

 

“Well. If you go I’m coming with you.”

 

 

“Hazza-“

 

 

“Don’t try to fight me on it. I already know that I want to. You’re my Forever, remember? We don’t just ditch each other. I’ll come when I’ve finished up with my GCSE’s as well and by then you’ll have a really posh flat and show me where all the best teashops are, right? We’ll go together and you’ll find yourself a really fit boyfriend who knows how to do that thing with his tongue in your ar-“ Louis cuts him off with a laugh and shoves Harry back so they both end up cuddled together on the bed, Louis shoving his jeans off through his laughter.

 

 

“How do you even know that?” He asks with a gasp, and Harry smiles giddily, elated he made Louis smile.

 

 

“I’ve seen things on the internet!”

 

 

“Alright,” He says when their laughter’s died down, “You can come.” He curls himself against Harry, with noses brushing and their ankles crossed, hands looped across each other.

 

 

That’s when Louis knows it’s love, sixteen and fourteen with the stillness of their breathing. He can hear the whisper of Harry not being his, for neither the first or last time. It hurts but it's the best Louis felt since he can remember.

 

 

**

 

 

Louis has just turned twenty-two when Harry is about to turn twenty. The promises they had made, all those years ago back in Harry’s bedroom in his cramped bed with the filtered moonlight, had stayed true. After many months arguing with himself, and arguing with Harry, Louis had come out to his mum and true to her word (true to Her Promise) she and Mark had just told him they loved him and it was still him and her against the world. Louis worked hard for the rest of school and was now studying to be a drama teacher and after two years of living in a shit flat with two of his very best mates (Zayn and Niall) Louis had welcomed Harry with open arms.

 

 

Harry was studying communications and interned at BBC radio for the ever famous morning radio host Nick Grimshaw who doused Harry in affection and warmth which Harry lathered up. When Harry had turned eighteen he had admitted to Louis, and eventually his family, (after a visit to London where Louis had found and Harry blowing some random boy in the toilet at a club) that he wasn’t sure that he liked just girls. So when Nick began to lavish on Harry, Harry ate it up and Louis was so Not Jealous.

 

 

Not at all. Which is why he was sat on the sofa on a Wednesday evening with a series of exerts from Shakespeare plays and only two lines on his laptop screen for his mid-term paper, checking his mobile frantically. Harry had been desperate for Nick to ask him out on a proper date (“Just us two, Lou, you know?”) and his wishes had been granted as the two had gone off to some posh French restaurant that Louis can’t, and won’t, pronounce.

 

 

Harry had worn a headband that Louis had given to him as an Ordinary Present. Maybe he should stop buying Harry Ordinary Presents. It’s something that was sweet when he was five but probably a bit desperate at twenty-two. Just then his mobile rings and Louis madly dives for it, making it rain lines of Hamlet and Much Ado, only to see Zayn’s name flashing on the screen.

 

 

“What?” He snaps bitterly picking up the sheets that had fallen from his lap, thankful he hadn’t upset his laptop off his lap. Zayn had been Louis’ first friend when they were at university, having met in an introductory course to education and their friendship had become easy.

 

 

They had fallen in love with the flat they were in now, and posted out for flatmates because the rent was so high. Zayn’s boyfriend Liam was doing a two-year program in America and Louis’ Harry was still finishing up his A-levels. That’s how they had met Niall; in a Starbucks with overpriced drinks (Louis shudders to think that Niall had ordered coffee. Black.) and sandwiches.

 

 

Lee was the other one they had found to move in, and had never been home but never late with rent. Louis fondly remembers Lee as a Ghost Mate, as he made his presence known with his cellophane wrapped tuna sandwiches in the refrigerator and his labeled medicine in a cabinet above the toilet but was usually at the library or home for the weekend.

 

 

Louis sometimes missed Lee; whenever Lee was around he was quite enjoyable. He was always up for talking to Louis about the reproductive system of lions and Harry whenever Louis was plastered and Lee was trying to study. Louis should phone him whenever he got the chance. Not that he thinks Lee would answer, they had only communicated a few times since his move out, and that was mainly just to finalize the intricate details of Lee moving out. Wherever that is, Louis thoughtfully hums. He hadn’t actually asked Lee where he was going once he was gone.

 

 

Now, however, Liam was done with his two-year program and was bunking in with Zayn and Lee’s old bedroom had become Harry’s, though the boy spent most of the night cuddling up to Louis’ side after going on about his days. Louis tried to act like he hated it and it was no big deal when the others made comments. Nobody believed him. Twats.

 

 

“Oh hello there Louis,” Zayn chuckles from the other end of the mobile, "Worried your Forever is going to call while I’m on the other line?” Louis huffs loudly and kicks out his sock less feet on the coffee table. Zayn hates when Louis does that.

 

 

“Is there a reason you’re wasting my valuable minutes?” Louis hasn’t paid his mobile with minutes since his first year at university (he can’t believe he’ll be graduating in a few months time) but it’s always nice to attempt to get someone to pity him. Louis likes it better when everyone else around him is just as miserable. Zayn just laughs at him instead and Louis feels even worse, pouting even though Zayn can’t see him.

 

 

“Just calling in to see how you were and if you wanted me to pick you something? Liam and I are stopping at that Curry shop right at the end of the street. You know where the little old woman works and is always asking you if you want to marry one of her daughters? Don’t know why you haven’t told you would rather like to shack it up with her husb-”

 

 

“Yes, fucking Hell, Zayn. I know about the bloody Curry shop that’s less than a minutes walk from our front stoop!” He snaps not wanting to think about how guilty he feels every time the lady asks why he won’t see her daughter if he’s single. Also, Louis is pretty certain her husband is older than his granddad. He would take the daughter over shriveled penis any day.

 

 

“So I’ll take that to mean you would like some chicken tiki masala then?” Zayn asks with a hint of a smirk in his voice.

 

 

“Yes please and some of them little vegetable samoas?” Zayn just grunts an affirmative and then Louis hears Liam mumbling in the background. “Tell Liam I said hello and thanks, you’re a great flatmate. In fact I’m going to give you an award and you can tack it up outside your bedroom door, so everyone else can see what a top notch job you’ve been doin-“

 

 

“That’s great, Lou, yeah.” Zayn sounds distracted, “Liam’s here so I’ll see you when I get home!”

 

 

“Don’t forget the samoas!” Louis shrieks into the phone before Zayn hangs up just as the door opens up and closes and in steps Harry, even though he’s only been gone for a solid three hours. Louis was half expecting him to be eloping at this time. Harry kicks his boots off by the door and then slumps his way over the couch, a dejected look gracing his pretty features. Somehow that fourteen-year-old beautiful, baby-faced, boy who had cuddled a newly out and terrified Louis had become a rugged and extremely handsome twenty-year-old. Harry even could grow a spot of facial hair if he wasn’t so insistent he keep his face freshly shaven because that’s how Nick liked it.

 

 

Louis hates Nick. “Uh oh,” Louis says sweetly (he is Very Good at faking feeling bad for Harry over Nick because Harry very often feels bad over Nick). “What’s happened?” Harry is in Louis’ lap in an instant; as if he were Louis’ child, moving his papers and his laptop to the coffee table and letting out a long, shuddering, sigh.

 

 

“It went fine,” Harry mumbles, “Until I wouldn’t eat the duck because I kept thinking about if it had little baby ducks running around looking for their mum, you know how I get about that! Then after that things were weird, like I thought he knew I didn’t eat any meat but there he was ordering me duck even though I told him I didn’t want him to do that. Then he wanted to go get a few drinks and we did but things just seemed horribly awkward. I didn’t want to sit there anymore so I just took the bus home.” Louis stretches out so Harry can lie on top of him and strokes up and down Harry’s back to comfort. Also nobody could accuse him if he just wanted to feel Harry’s toned yoga muscles. Louis is So Thankful for yoga.

 

 

 

“So he was upset you’re a vegetarian even though he’s known this because he came to that damn formal dinner you made us have and we all had to eat ocean weeds?” Louis can’t wrap his mind around how Nick could have possibly overlooked this huge aspect of Harry’s life. Louis was under the greatest impression that everyone should admire Harry for Every Little Thing he did. Even if it was like eating ocean weeds and tofu cubes marinated in sauces that were supposed to spiritually open his mind and body.

 

 

“Lou, babe,” Harry giggles, “I’ve told you before that seaweed isn’t that bad! You should have tried it. It went really well with the peanut sauce tofu you really liked.” Little does Harry know Louis had tried the seaweed and hated it more than the tofu cubes. He was just subtle about spitting it into his napkin and having Cornflakes at 3 a.m. because he hadn’t wanted to hurt Harry’s feelings.

 

 

“Whatever!” Louis chuckles with him and runs a comforting hand through Harry’s long curls, untangling the headband from around Harry’s head and causing Harry to let out a little moan of approval. “Point is. He should have taken you somewhere you can eat your strange little meat free dishes and he should have to enjoy it.” Harry sighs sadly again, a little puff of air on Louis’ collarbone.

 

 

“I don’t know, Lou.” Harry croaks, “What if I was wrong about Nick being the person I’m spiritually bound to? I thought I felt this really good connection to him but maybe I was wrong.” Harry sounds so pitiful that Louis almost wants to tell him that he was completely correct and that he was the one Harry was spiritually bound to and maybe they should just shove Nick off the top of a bridge. Louis doesn’t though. He thinks Harry’s probably had enough sadness in the night, always the sensitive one that he just cuddles Harry tighter.

 

 

“Just keep doing what you are doing, love.” Louis is not going to encourage Harry to pursue Nick in any way but he isn’t cruel enough to make it obvious that he wants Harry to ditch Nick fast. “I got Zayn to bring me home some of them vegetable samoas, by the way. He should be in any minute.”

 

 

Harry perks up at that and by the time Zayn and Liam manage to get in (“You’re late,” Louis accuses darkly at the two) he and Louis are about thirty minutes in to Bridget Jones Diary. All four pile in on the sofa, and when Niall gets in late from his shift at the student union he too joins to watch the movie and complain about their days.

 

 

Eventually, Niall goes off to ring (have phone sex, Louis bets) his girlfriend and Harry claims he wants to take a bath and burn incense to feel better. When Louis was about seventeen he had started smoking weed and burnt incense to mask the smell in his bedroom and that was what Harry got into. He was definitely not normal, Louis had concluded.

 

 

“He’s home early,” Zayn remarks casually taking a sip of his wine. He and Liam were on some Let’s Be Grown Ups and drank wine in the evenings to Relax. Louis chugs his beer bitterly at that, he was never going to grow up.

 

 

“Oh, Nick forgot the much hidden secret of Harry being a vegetarian. You know how shockingly not obvious that one is.” Louis smirks behind his beer and Liam chuckles lightly as Zayn smacks at his stomach.

 

 

“Don’t laugh you two, poor Haz. Bet he was really disappointed.” Zayn frowns worriedly where they can hear the preening of a woman’s voice and a piano faintly tickling out from under the door Harry was sulking behind.

 

 

“I’m not concerned. That just means he’ll be around more often. Like he used to be.” Louis pointedly doesn’t look at either of them. Zayn had quickly figured out Louis obsession (love) for Harry and naturally by association Liam knew.

 

 

“You know Louis,” Zayn says eventually after he and Liam have some annoying (and probably really stupid) conversation with their eyes. “I know you love Harry but he isn’t…” Zayn bites his lip like he thinks Louis is Delicate and whispers, “He isn’t yours.”

 

 

“Yes.” Louis says with an eye-roll and sets his empty bottle onto the coffee table. “I’m going off to bed before you can instill anymore hope and wisdom into my day. Thanks Zayn."

 

 

And Louis walks off to his bedroom thinking how Zayn’s words had been repeated at him so often but still burn the forefront of his mind as he lays awake for hours after, listening for little signs Harry has gone to bed.

 

 

**

 

 

Friday evening finds the entire flat and a few acquaintances from their various classes out at a club where Harry, who almost never drinks, is completely smashed.

 

 

“Doing alright, lovely?” Louis asks as Harry leans heavily into his side in the booth. It was suffice to say that Louis himself was being well on his way to being absolutely plastered. Harry mumbles something and then whines when Louis pulls away to reach for his drink.

 

 

"Can ya dance with me Lou?" Harry slurs as a group of young girls scream when the song changes. Louis downs the rest of his drink, not wanting to leave it sat out with the rest of their friends laughing loudly at a story Niall was telling with his hands flailing everywhere.

 

 

He takes Harry's hand in his own and together they stumble out on the dance floor, trying to dance along to the beat of the song but being unable to stop giggling at their over exaggerated dance moves.

 

 

"Can we get more to drink?" Harry asks after the fifth song comes on and they're coated in sweat. Louis nods his agreement and together they walk up to the bar which Harry leans heavily against and grabs the bartenders’ attention.

 

 

Louis stands beside him, not taking note of anyone else around, and checks his mobile for any texts despite the fact that most of his friends were already at the club.

 

 

"Louis?" Louis looks up, confused when it isn't Harry's drunken slur that calls his name. To his left is Harry charming his way into a discounted price and to Louis' right is a smaller built man with round, dark eyes. Immediately Louis recognizes him as Lee, his Korean ex-flat mate, and makes a surprised face at Lee being somewhere than his bedroom.

 

 

"Oh wow!" Louis splutters awkwardly, getting a good look in. Gone are the thin glasses that had once hidden Lee's big eyes, his unruly hair replaced by close shaved cut. In place of his graphic shirts he wore so often is a powder blue button down. Lee got Fit. "Oh," Louis says again with his jaw unhinged, "Wow." He says again. "Lee!"

 

 

Lee smiles brightly, a row of white teeth, and gives a small chuckle. "Been awhile!" Lee says casually as if their two years of almost no communication was only a short amount of time. Louis nods taking in Lee's now trimmed body, the brown boots on his feet accenting his new image so well. Too bad Louis was so madly in obsession with Harry that he knew he wouldn't be able to get Lee home without feeling guilty for days afterwards. It happened every time Louis managed to pull.

 

 

"Long time," Louis notes and then awkwardly leans in for a hug and at the last second starts to change his mind (he and Lee had never been close enough where hugging was acceptable) but Lee grabs his flailing arms and pulls him close. His cologne smells more expensive than Louis' car and flat rent combined. Shit. Lee pats his back gently when they pull away and suddenly Louis feels an arm snake around his waist. Harry is there with a furrowed brow, their drinks held in just one of his massive hands. Louis grabs his and disregards the straw to drink almost half of it from the side of the cup. He had no idea how to handle any of the situation unless he had about four more, strong, drinks in him. "How've you been?" Louis asks when he takes a break from trying to drown himself with his drink.

 

"Really good, actually. How about yourself? You look good." Lee nods towards Louis' scruff he now has and the thin t-shirt he adorned.

 

"Oh, er. Thanks." Louis says awkwardly, flushing, wanting to add 'you look better' but grunts when Harry digs his nails into Louis' side with a huff. "I've been doing good yeah. Finishing up in a few months and looking for work."

 

"Are you still doing drama? You were always quite good. I know some openings if you ever need a recommendation. My sister works for an arts school." Lee smiles kindly at him.

 

"Wow, thanks. I'll let you know. I'm sure I'll need some help. Uh, sorry, what is it you do now?" Louis flushes at his lack of remembering exactly what Lee studied. He feels how tense Harry is next to him and pinches his hip to get him to lighten up some.

 

"I'm a veterinarian, just small animals. I'm working at an animal hospital in Chelsea now. Pays well and I enjoy it." Which explains why he's so smartly dressed. Lee settles his gaze onto Harry next, who is frowning angrily down at his shoes. "Hiya, Harry." So Lee hadn't forgotten who Harry was.

 

 

"Hi." Harry says shortly, when he had come to visit before he was a uni student he had never been fond of Lee. Louis could never figure out exactly why as Lee was perfectly fine to Harry and got on with Louis so well. In fact, looking back, Louis distinctly remembers how possessive Harry had become, as if he were afraid that Lee would replace him. One drunken night as they had laid in Louis’ bed, the comforter pushed to the end because it was late August and they were sweltering, Louis had brushed the curls from Harry’s furrowed brow and whisper promised that he wouldn’t give up his Forever.

 

 

He drinks more, not wanting to give himself false hope that any of it meant that Harry wanted to be with him romantically; they had gone out the next night and Harry had kissed two different people, and received a blowjob in the bathroom before they left the club. Lee doesn't seem fazed by Harry’s shortness, however, as he smiles and offers out a hand to him.

 

 

 

"Hi! Grown up quite a bit since I last saw you." Lee is teasing but Harry hardly cracks a smile at it, just presses his lips together into a thin line.

 

 

"Tends to happen." Harry is never sarcastic, the grip he has on Louis' waist is beginning to border on painful, but his voice is dripping with it.

 

 

"It was good seeing you, Lee." Louis says as he tries to slide out of Harry's grip of him, wanting to get Harry away from knocking Lee’s head off for whatever reason he had against the poor boy. Harry seems to have other plans, though, as he presses a sloppy kiss to the side of Louis' head-shooting a look back at Lee.

 

 

Lee quirks an eyebrow at Louis who shrugs helplessly. “Sure, good to see you two as well. Send my love to the others.” Louis nods and pries Harry’s fingers from bruising his hipbone. He ignores the soft whine Harry let’s out, soothing him by tangling their fingers together.

 

 

“Come on then,” Louis mumbles to him. “Do you just want to go?” Louis squeezes their fingers together as a way to show he’s still there anchoring Harry, whose eyes have begun to turn into little slits. His stomach flutters at how soft and affection Harry looks. He hates how he can’t help but love Harry just a little bit more as Harry runs the hand not tangled up with Louis’ own up and down Louis’ arm. “Wanna leave with you,” he slurs and stumbles a little towards the door. They start to walk away, Louis hardly glancing back at Lee, already fiddling in his pocket to find his mobile to let the others know that they were going back.

 

 

“Oh! Louis!” Louis stops Harry and turns around to see that Lee has followed them towards the exit. As soon as Harry sees that Lee is the reason they’ve stopped, he wraps his arms around Louis’ waist. Louis just ignores it, giving up on trying to get Harry to stop being so touchy, and gives a small smile to Lee.

 

 

“Yeah?” He asks politely, ready to just go home and fall asleep to a film with Harry. Drunk Harry is especially affectionate and Louis wants nothing more than to cuddle up with the boy.

 

 

“I got a new mobile and I was wondering if I could get your number? All my contacts were deleted and I was hoping maybe we could get back into contact again. It would be nice to see you and the lads more often.” Lee looks a bit shy as he pulls out a spiffy new IPhone and holds it out to Louis. Louis takes it quickly and enters in his contact information, and then sends a quick text to himself so he has Lee’s number in his mobile as well.

 

 

“Give me a ring tomorrow, yeah?” Louis says. “You could come over for Sunday dinner if you wanted.” Lee looks relieved that Louis wasn’t creeped out by his request and nods.

 

 

“Sure, that’d be lovely. See you then, it was really good seeing you Lou. Nice seeing you too Harry.” Harry doesn’t respond, Louis isn’t sure that he hasn’t passed out on his shoulder but he feels, more than he hears, Harry scoff so he whirls around with a wave to Lee and grips Harry’s hand to lead them to a bus home.

 

 

“He’s not comin'" Harry mumbles as they wait by a stop that will get them home. Louis has set Harry down on a bench and is gently running a hand through Harry’s curls as Harry rests his head against Louis’ stomach.

 

 

“Sure darling,” Louis isn’t really paying attention, to busy letting Zayn know that they had run into Lee in the club and Lee was not at all what Louis remembered him being.

 

 

“He isn’t, Lou.” Harry digs his chin into Louis’ stomach and it causes him to wince and look down at Harry’s pouting face. Louis blames the alcohol for the way he cups Harry’s cheek and bites his lip as Harry noses against his palm.

 

 

“Who isn’t coming where?” He asks gently.

 

 

“Lee. He can’t come.” Harry sets his mouth in a hard line and pulls back a little so he can give a firm shake of his head. “Not coming over.”

 

 

“Alright pet,” Louis has got to practice not saying pet names to Harry so much. “You don’t want him to come, and he won’t come.”

 

 

“Good…cause like…I don’t want him.” He crosses his arms pitifully and frowns down at his boots. “Don’t want him to come.” He adds as an afterthought and Louis offers out a hand as their bus pulls up.

 

 

“Course you don’t,” He gives Harry a little shove onto the bus, reaching into his back pocket for both of their Oyster cards to swipe and then cajoles him into sitting near the window for their ride home. Harry refuses to let go of his hand as they watch the city flash by.

 

 

**

 

 

When they get upstairs to the flat Harry is kissing at Louis’ neck. The reason it was so hard, Louis counters, to move past Harry was that every time the two of them got drunk together (and one of them didn’t pull) they ended up snogging each other. Not that Louis really cared all that much, no, the benefit of Harry’s soft lips against his was always worth the guilt he would feel the next day.

 

 

 

They almost never talked about it, and nobody but them knew, as they always made sure that nobody was around to see it. Louis had considered once telling Zayn about it but knew that the other boy would just guilt him into stopping, and Louis really didn’t want to stop despite how bad it made him feel that Harry was his in every sense of the word except for how he wanted. “Love,” Louis mumbles as Harry plasters himself against Louis’ back. Usually Harry waits until they’ve gone into one of their rooms, but tonight he’s anxiously tugging at the waistline of Louis’ jeans.

 

 

It really wasn’t odd; Louis tried to convince himself, that they’d also watch each other have a wank. The one time it got brought up Harry had shrugged and said, “You’re my best mate and I love you, what’s the harm in a little fooling around? We don’t mean anything by it.” Louis vowed he wouldn’t ever ask again, just as long as he could see Harry kneeling on his bed with his pants around his thighs, cock heavy between them, sucking his bottom lip to swallow up the groans that spilled from his mouth, head heavy as it rested on Louis’ shoulder to watch Louis’ own hand around his own cock.

 

 

“Wanna get you in bed,” Harry palms him, which is new because they almost never touch each other. “Wanna kiss you properly.” He tries to stop Louis from opening up the door so he can press him against it and continue the kiss that had stopped them from making it up the stairs to their flat when they had arrived ten minutes ago.

 

 

“Can’t really do that unless I open the door,” Louis says hoarsely. He feels hot all over; his body flushing and his cock achingly hard from the second Harry had picked him up and grinded their hips together, biting at Louis’ lips. Harry manages to pull back enough for them to get inside and they bustle into Louis' bedroom, lips locked and arms around each other. 'Calm down,' Louis wants to whisper to Harry who has already removed all of his clothes and has Louis' jeans and pants down around his knees as they tumble back onto the bed. He doesn't; thinks of how if he whispers those words it all might stop.

 

"Can, your clothes. Lemme," Harry's tugging at them and Louis presses a gentle kiss to Harry's cheek as he slides Louis’ jeans and pants the rest of the way off, leaving on his t-shirt. Harry's pupils are blown as he runs his hands up and down the outside of Louis' thighs and presses their noses together.

 

"Okay?" Louis asks and he starts to reach into his bedside table for a tube of lube. Harry keeps a burning hold on his hips, now letting himself kiss up and down Louis' neck.

 

"You're so beautiful," Harry whispers hoarsely into his ear. "Really pretty, Lou." He sucks on Louis' earlobe and gives a gentle tug with his teeth.

 

"Alright," Louis chuckles breathlessly. Usually Harry wasn't this vocal, but usually they aren’t this drunk. Harry slides the lube from Louis' limp hand and kisses him again-calmer this time. He strokes one hand up under Louis' t-shirt, caressing Louis' stomach, fingertips brushing against the right side of Louis' ribs as he lets out a shudder. Long, pale fingers dip into the scar that they both know is located right where Harry’s palm is brushing, the only physical memory of the time Louis caught himself on a fence trying to sneak out. Harry smiles against his lips as Louis giggles at the slight tickle of Harry's palm. "You okay?" He asks Harry, pulling back. He wasn't used to Harry being this affectionate in this type of situation.

 

"I'm okay." Harry looks him in the eye, a smile on his face. "Can we?" He flushes a little and nods down towards their aching cocks, and shuffles closer to Louis so the heads of their dicks are touching together. Louis bites his bottom lip as his hips jerk reflexively towards Harry's. Then, together, they squeeze the lube out onto their respective hands, Harry wasting no time to assume his normal position of his head resting on Louis' shoulder as he begins to tug at his own dick.

 

Louis takes his time reaching down for himself, mesmerized by Harry's large hand not even coming close to dwarfing his massive cock. It's thick, and veiny, and Louis is no size queen but he loves how long Harry's is. Wonders how it feels pressing deep inside of him, his own cock jumping at the though-a blurt if pre-cum spilling out as he wraps his daintier hand around his own, smaller (but thicker) prick.

 

Suddenly Harry jerks his head up from where it lay on Louis' shoulder, almost knocking Louis in the chin, and gasps out, "Can I touch you, Lou?"

 

Louis stills his hand after he lets out a surprised moan at Harry's request. "Uh," he says with his jaw hanging open the words ‘I always want you to touch me please, never stop touching me,’ unable to leave his lips. Instead he whispers, “Yeah, uh. Yeah, alright.” Harry smiles serenely down at him and wraps a fist around him tightly. Louis gasps out at the contact, his hips jerking to follow the rough pad of Harry’s large palm.

 

“Pretty,” Harry murmurs and kissing against Louis’ jaw. “You’re so pretty.”

 

Louis can’t help but laugh a little at the words, thinking how ridiculous the entire situation is. “Sure, Harry.” Harry grabs Louis’ hand, the one sticky with lube, and guides it towards his own cock and then tilts his head as if to say ‘is this okay?’ Louis’ hand trembling as he finally gets his fist around Harry.

 

They’re kissing, then Louis is being pressed back against the bed (hands forgotten) as Harry grinds down against him, gentle but desperate. Louis lets his own legs fall open, hears himself say, “Yeah,” when Harry presses a questioning finger against his hole. He is shocked by how much he desperately wants this, desperately wants to fall apart on Harry’s fingers, on Harry’s cock. Wants to squeeze his thighs around Harry’s toned middle, scream so loud that everyone in the flat building can hear them.

 

“You can fuck me,” Louis says breathlessly, “I want you to.” Harry looks up sharply at him, stares into his eyes with his head cocked to the side, two fingers deep-crooked up against Louis’ prostate causing Louis’ shortness of breath and arched spine. “If you want to, that is.” Louis adds as an afterthought when Harry slides his fingers out of Louis. He notices the way Harry’s curls are mussed to one side, his pink lips swollen and wet, and when Harry looks up his eyes are hooded but it’s obvious how blown his pupils are.

 

“I want to.” Is all he says, and then he’s slicking himself up and presses the blunt head against Louis’ opening. He starts slow, doesn’t press himself into Louis all at once, just working his hips in and then out.

 

“Oh,” Louis gasps, and he was right when he imagined that he would feel Harry everywhere in him. He can’t stop the way he rainbows, his hands flailing up and then one settling to pull on his own hair, the other landing on his cock. Harry grunts loudly and shifts his hips-the tip of his dick hitting Louis’ prostate with every thrust in and out.

 

It isn’t perfect; it’s sloppy and by far the quickest sex that Louis has had in a long time. He can’t help himself as he spurts up his stomach right after Harry hits his prostate on a particular hard thrust. They can’t stop laughing after Harry cums with a surprised shout, little ‘ahs’ coming from his mouth, hunched over Louis biting onto his shoulder. As they lay in silence, Harry having fallen asleep in a fit of drunken laughter, Louis feels the guilt pooling into his stomach.

 

He can hear his mother, and all his mates, with their disapproving tones and stares about what just happened. As much as he wants this to be normal, as much as he wants to wake up curled into Harry’s chest, their morning wood brushing against each other, feeling Harry’s drool on his forehead-matching pillow crease tattoos against their arms and their cheeks; he knows he can’t. No, instead he drags himself up, as much as he doesn’t want to, and takes a scalding shower. To afraid to think of the consequences of what just happened, Louis promises that he won’t say anything. It’s how they work, the night before filled with heat of the moment passion and the mornings with semi-awkward silences over tea until one of them can crack a joke. Most of the time, Harry doesn’t act as if he can remember what’s happened. Louis’ mind won’t so easily let himself forget, wants to forever burn the image of any moment spent in close proximity to Harry.

 

When he’s clean he grabs a flannel and cleans up a now snoring Harry, considers putting pants on the boy, and then decides against it as he grabs a spare pillow from his bed and a blanket, crawling onto the sofa in the living room.

 

He doesn’t sleep.

 

**


	2. I wrote her 16 songs, but I ended up alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY it took so long! I've been so busy with work and my two summer classes that I've been writing really slow. I hope you guys like this chapter. I'm sorry it's a bit angsty, I'll try to make the next one less angst filled. 
> 
> Thanks for reading if you've decided to keep up with this story! It really means a lot to me xx!

Louis is not shocked that the first thing Harry gets out once he’s stumbled to the kitchen table is, “How in the _hell_ did we get home last night?” to Louis. He’s dressed and showered now, no marked evidence of last night on any part of his milky body and he ran his hand through Louis’ hair casually when he had found him sprawled out on the couch with dark smudges under his eyes.

 

“Took the bus,” Louis mumbles. His head is absolutely pounding because he had been woke up by Zayn and Liam three hours earlier, having stumbled in sometime during Louis and Harry’s…whatever it was, because they decided they wanted  to spend their Saturday out at a market they’d seen an advert for in the paper. Louis doesn’t know how long he had been asleep, probably less than an hour, the guilt from the night before eating away at his conscious.

 

“Crazy night though, wasn’t it? From what I remember course. Think I remember sitting at the bus stop but after that it’s actually black.” Harry pauses in small sips of tea and Louis doesn’t deny that he probably remembers nothing.

 

“Hmm, yeah.” Louis doesn’t give any indication to if he knew what happened from the bus on. He wasn’t ready to talk about it to anyone quite yet, but maybe it would be good to sit Harry and discuss it with him. He should know, after all, that they definitely were doing more than just ‘fooling around’ and it either needed to stop or turn into something else or Louis was going to go out of his mind.

 

“Alright?” Harry asks after Louis gets lost in his thoughts of what happened last night, the press of Harry’s hand on his shoulder now burning through to a memory of Harry’s hands on his hips; pressing Louis down on the bed. Louis jumps, startled, and the blanket had wrapped around him falls to the ground and he shrugs helplessly.

 

“I’m just really hung-over. I think I need a shower and to go back to sleep or something, the sofa is an absolute nightmare after a night out.” He stands up and busies himself with picking up the blanket and dumping his empty mug into the sink with a clatter.

 

“Yeah, sorry. Seems I ended up in your bed.” Harry has the decency to look embarrassed about waking up nude in Louis’ bed. Louis notes how he doesn’t bother to ask why he was pantless and can’t help but wonder if Harry remembers more than he lets on. “You could have stayed, you know.” Harry adds as an afterthought as Louis starts to shuffle off towards the bathroom. “Usually we do.” He looks as if he might feel a bit put out about the fact that he woke up alone in Louis’ bed but Louis tells himself that it’s because Harry probably felt guilty about sleeping Louis’ bed when the other boy didn’t stay.

 

“Oh yeah, well.” Louis shrugs thinking of a way to say ‘I didn’t want to lay next to you after having sex with you and spend the whole night knowing I would wake up with you not remembering anything. Not when I love you this much.’ He can’t bring himself to do it though, so he looks down at his feet. “I couldn’t sleep so I just went out of the room so you could sleep. No problem.”

 

“You sure you’re alright?” Harry looks concerned as Louis edges towards the hallway to the bathroom. Harry rinses his mug in the sink and then places it on the drying rack, following Louis towards the toilet where he goes to run a bath.

 

“Sure,” Louis says listlessly. “I think I’ll feel better after a shower.” He turns the nozzles onto burning hot, absentmindedly thinking about how Zayn will have a fit when the water bill comes in if he spends longer than five minutes in the shower with it this warm. Harry reaches over and tugs gently on Louis’ hair and Louis shivers, stepping away and wishing Harry would stop touching him and keep touching him all in one thought.

 

“Alright…” Harry looks concerned and brushes his knuckles against Louis’ cheek frowning when Louis pulls away. “Give me a shout if you think you’re about to faint or something.” He gives a half-smile as if he’s joking but Louis can see the underlying concern etched into his handsome face. Louis just rolls his eyes and shoos Harry from the room letting the water wash away the sweat from his sleep, ignoring the tears sparking at the corner of his eyes.

 

**

 

When Louis finally finishes up, his breath smelling minty, he makes his way in just a towel towards his bedroom expecting to find clothing stacked high up on his desk and chair, most of it littering the floor. He knows he’ll need to do his sheets in the wash, imagines they’ll still smell faintly of sex and the club from the night before. As he pushes open his door, however, the sheets have been changed (now a light blue instead of the off-white) and all his clothes have either been put away or thrown into the hamper inside his closet. The bed covers have been folded half down and Louis finds two paracetamol and a glass of water waiting on the nightstand. Just then Harry knocks on the open door, smiling lightly at Louis stood confused in the center of his room.

 

“Thought I’d clean up as a thank you for letting me steal your bed. Want to have a cuddle and watch a movie?” _No,_ Louis thinks immediately. He mostly wanted to lay himself down under the old sheets so he could smell Harry and cry over how to tell Harry about what happened.

 

“Sure,” Louis says instead and grabs a pair of old sweats and an oversized jumper. He quickly dresses himself, avoiding Harry’s gaze and then grabs a pair of wooly socks and a beanie and climbs up into the bed where Harry is already lying and clicking through Netflix to find something suitable to watch.

 

“Chilly?” Harry teases as Louis curls up under his duvet, carefully avoiding pressing back against Harry’s chest like he normally would. Harry seems to take no notice, instead getting underneath the blankets with Louis after he throws his jeans onto the ground so he’s in pants and a t-shirt, his flannel over shirt following the rumpled pair of skinnies.

 

“A bit,” Louis lies. The layers make him feel more secure, like he could mask away the guiltiness he was feeling. Harry just hums as he presses place to an episode of Breaking Bad and cuddles Louis to his chest. They lie together for an hour or so, Harry reaching his cold hand up under Louis’ jumper causing him to blush and jump away but Harry just pulls him closer with his face buried into Louis’ neck. Louis is almost asleep by the fourth episode when Harry grabs his mobile from where it had been buzzing on the other side of the bed.

 

“Nick’s been texting  me nonstop.” Harry admits nosing behind Louis’ ear like he’s done so many times before yet this time Louis finds little comfort in the motion. He feels Harry huff when he shies away from the touch. He doesn't try again, though, just props himself on one hand and tightens the other around Louis' waist.

 

 

"Thought we were done with him?" Louis isn't really interested in hearing about Nick when he was still trying to figure out how to approach Harry.

 

 

"I dunno." Harry sounds defeated, and takes the arm that had been wrapped around Louis' waist to fiddle with his mobile; flopping onto his back, he and Louis' shoulders brushing. "There's a band he has to go review for work. Wants me to come with him." Harry turns to look at Louis, who has turned his back to him. He misses the way Harry bites his lip and reaches out to brush Louis shoulder only to recoil back when Louis shifts further away.

 

 

"Suppose you should go then." Louis intones, sounding bored and uninterested yet his heart is pounding in his chest and his throat feels tight. They lay in silence before Harry finally stands up. Instead of leaving the room, though, he crouches down in front of Louis who tries to avoid his eyes but feels unable as Harry runs a finger down his nose.

 

 

"I'll be back tonight. We can watch some more films if you want?" Take me with you, Louis' mind screams, take me with you, let me love you, love me, don't go. He just puts a hand to Harry's cheek and shoves, not hard because he still won't ever hurt Harry intentionally, but enough to get Harry away from his face, not having to listen to anymore about Nick. Harry laughs instead, not picking up that Louis was trying to shove away any sound of Nick, catching his smaller hand and wrapping it in his palm. "What's with you?" He asks and squeezes Louis' hand to his cheek. Louis shrugs and scrunches his nose. "Hm?" Harry frowns lightly.

 

 

"Can we talk when you get home?" Louis asks softly and pulls his hand which Harry lets drop from his face.

 

 

"Course." Harry says easily, "I don't have to go, I can stay." Louis' first instinct is to grip Harry's hand back in his own and tug until Harry was curled around him.

 

 

"You should go." Louis says, because he needed time to plan out what to say. Talking about last night with Harry had to be done correctly if Louis didn't want to scare him off.

 

 

Harry goes and gets changed, comes back into Louis' room smelling of cologne and kneels down over Louis' bed where he had shut his eyes hoping to just sleep until Harry was back in. "I'm heading out now," he whispers. Louis grunts and flicks his eyes open lazily. "Love you." Harry's gentle when he presses his lips to Louis' forehead, like he does when he knows Louis is upset.

 

 

"Love you." Louis says and watches as Harry walks out the door.

 

**

 

"So." Lee is sat at a table outside a pub only a street over from his flat, in neatly pressed slacks and a cashmere sweater. Louis, on the other hand, still has his oversized jumper on; he's pretty sure the elbow is stained with paint because it's Harry's. "We are here at," Lee looks down at his wristwatch, "1:08 am because Harry never texted you and you texted me to say you were in an emergency and needed a lift home." Louis blushes at the statement, feeling slightly over dramatic at calling Lee of all people.

 

He had waited for a text back from Harry, and when midnight hit and nothing came through, Louis had felt too jumpy to stay in the flat. He had taken a walk to calm himself, stopping when he reached this pub, scrolled through his contacts and decided that Lee was the only person he could talk to about the situation without hearing a lecture. Or at least that was how it used to be, back when Lee lived with him still. Lee had always been an excellent listener and Louis was desperate for someone to listen to him.

 

"To be fair." Louis shuffles his feet. The inside of the pub is light up; the dregs of old men in business suits and their wives clinging to their arms, to many G&T's in their systems, still huddled around the bar. "I said I could have called someone else." Lee mostly looks amused, raising an eyebrow at Louis.

 

"How come you didn't then? I could have been out." Lee takes a sip of his drink, Louis noticed it was just coke, and smiles around the rim when Louis scoffs.

 

"Oh as if-" Louis cuts himself off feeling his cheeks heat up. "Uh. Sorry..." He was going to point out the last time Lee had gone out on a Saturday was not in a time Louis had known him.

 

"It's alright." Lees eyes have gone soft as he watches Louis take a sip of his own drink. "If you don't mind me asking, are you and Harry not a couple then? Or is this a lovers spat and I'm going to have a half yeti pounding my door down in the morning because he's come to rescue you?" Lee looks like he's only half joking.

 

"We aren't together." Louis says listlessly. He swirls the dregs of his pint around to avoid Lee's questioning stare.

 

"Quite shocking considering last night at the club. Could have fooled me."

 

"Well." Louis stares down at his hands, picking at his nails. "This is why I rang you."

 

"The emergency," Lee says in teasing tone, deepening 'emergency' so he sounds mock serious yet gives his full attention to Louis.

 

"Yup. The emergency." Louis doesn't continue however.

 

"You're not pregnant are you?" Louis laughs at that but then feels queasy. The thought hadn't even occurred to him, he and Harry hadn't used protection. Lee takes his silence as a confirmation and blanches, "Louis!"

 

"Oh shut up, I'm not bloody pregnant. It's been less than 24 hours since we-" his voice hitches and he pales, not meaning to tell Lee about him and Harry like this.

 

"So, you've had sex then." Lee says, biting his lip.

 

"Yeah," Louis says meekly. "Last night was the first time, we were smashed. He says he can't remember anything past leaving the club."

 

"Oh," Lee looks pitying for a second but wipes it for a more neutral stare when Louis catches his gaze. "You're still holding a torch to him then." Louis doesn't answer, to embarrassed about having drunkenly confessed things about Harry to Lee he hadn't even mentioned to Zayn, or Liam. "It'll be okay Louis. I know my advice might not mean anything to you, we weren't ever close unless you were smashed." He holds up a hand when goes to correct him. "It's alright, we weren't, but Louis you should probably talk to him. If you don't mind me saying that is. You've called me in the middle of the night to claim you were in a state of emergency when the lad hasn't answered your text."

 

"That's the thing," Louis hates feeling like he needs to cry but all his words are getting caught up in the lump in his throat. "We were meant to talk tonight but he never answered my messages, even though he said he was coming back home tonight." Lee is silent, letting Louis vent. "I mean, we aren't anything but best mates but I thought we should talk or something I-" He stops himself not sure where the rambling was going.

 

"Can I ask you something?" Lee says after a moment’s silence. Louis nods and stares at a silver band wrapped around Lee's middle finger. "Is this the first time something of this sort has happened?" Louis looks up at the sky, noticing the stars twinkling down.

 

"Sort of." He says eventually, "Like. We've kissed loads but this is the first time we've had...the first time we actually touched each other. It's always been a bit." Louis flushes deep, "Erm. On our but together?" Lees confused brow soothes out and he hums.

 

"Well I'm sure I can't tell you something you don't already know, Louis." Lee says noncommittally. "I don't think you should feel so bad though."

 

"No?" Louis asks. He's pretty certain he should feel terrible that he fucked around with his best friend.

 

"Louis, if you two were already sort of doing this then you can't feel bad that it happened all the way. Even you have to admit it was bound to happen eventually. And if Harry was interested in doing everything before, then this could be a stepping stone towards a relationship."

 

"Yeah," Louis says listlessly and chooses not to say anything about how Harry was out with some guy who had been trying to get into his pants since his first day on the job.

 

"It's getting quite late," Lee looks apologetic. "I'm going to have to get going soon. I've got an early brunch tomorrow with my mum."

 

"Oh sure, sorry to have kept you so late."

 

"It's not a problem, Louis. If I didn't care I wouldn't have come." Which makes Louis’ heart swell. Lee was always so kind. "So, are you taking the bus home or walking back?" Lee stands up and grabs his jacket off the back of his chair.

 

"Dunno, probably walk a bit. Maybe a catch a bus if I see one."

 

"Well...I know you're meant to talk to Harry but if you want you could come stay the night? It's awhile back to yours and I would feel bad that I hardly contributed to helping your emergency." He smiles kindly at Louis, as they make their walk down the pavement in the direction of Lee's flat.

 

"I...if it isn't too much trouble?" Louis really didn't have the pocket change to catch the night bus as it was, and he really didn't think he could stand getting back to a flat with no Harry.

 

"Wouldn't have offered if it were." He smiles, the streetlight catching the glint of his teeth. He looks good, rumpled in a plain long sleeve shirt; it makes Louis' breath catch.

 

"Yeah alright." He says softly, "Will do." They head to Lee's in a comfortable silence Louis itching to reach for his mobile in his back pocket, the lack of a ringing text message keeping him from doing so.

 

 

**

 

When Louis gets in Sunday morning, Zayn is reading on the couch and Niall is watching highlights of the Derby match from last night with no volume, engrossed in his mobile. Liam is sat at the table eating a bowl of Cornflakes and across from his is an exhausted looking Harry who perks up when he sees Louis walk in. All their heads turn his direction with identical stares of confusion when the slam of the door catches their attention.

 

“Where were you?” Zayn asks and Louis considers lying for a moment and saying he got up early for a walk but one look at Zayn and he knows that he probably couldn’t get away with the excuse.

 

“Just met up with Lee last night and stayed over at his place. Didn’t want to ride the bus back alone.” He shrugs nonchalantly and goes towards the shower. Staying over at Lee’s had been nice, he had set up the sofa so it was like a bed and give him an extra quilt off of his bed and they’d ended up falling asleep watching episodes of Friends. Lee hadn’t mentioned Harry again, which Louis was grateful for, but Louis could tell there were more questions that he wanted answered.

 

“Lee?” Liam looks confused, “I didn’t know you two were mates.” Zayn quirks an eyebrow up at him, Niall’s head popping up from his texting. Louis avoids Harry’s stare, not wanting to see how he felt about the news.

 

“Just ran into him Friday, thought we’d meet up yesterday to catch up.” Louis fiddles with the kettle debating on if he wanted to make a cup of tea or just hide away in his room to ignore the questioning glances.

 

“Yeah?” It’s Zayn who speaks this time. “Got your text about him the other night. He really gotten that fit?” He smirks when he notices Louis’ blush and Louis just shrugs then nods, leaning against the countertop forgoing his cup of tea and shower.

“What then?” Niall pipes in, “Get your cock sucked by him?” Zayn looks affronted and leans over to smack Niall in the thigh who let’s out a confused ‘what?’ but even he laughs along with Liam at the crude question. Louis notices that Harry doesn’t respond, looking a bit palled and staring at his breakfast cereal with disinterest.

 

“No Niall.” Louis chuckles. “Didn’t get my cock sucked by Lee. Don’t know that he’s gay, mate.”

 

“Oh Lee is definitely gay.” Niall says and stands up stretching. “He wears bloody loafers.”

 

“What does that mean?” Liam asks confused. “Do straight men not wear loafers?”

 

“No straight man wears loafers, Liam.” Niall side eyes him strangely. “You should know that. You went to America didn’t you? Ever see a straight man in loafers over there?”

 

“Sorry mate, the only thing the men at my uni wore was basketball shoes or sandals. Didn’t have much to go off of.”

 

“My dad wears loafers…” Harry pipes up suddenly but still looking disinterested in the conversation. “And he isn’t gay.”

 

“Oh your dad is proper gay.” Niall says to Harry. “He watches the gardening channel and is part of a badminton team.”

 

“Hey!” Harry protests. “Loads of men do that now.”

 

“Yeah alright,” Niall says with a chuckle. “I’m off to Amy’s, don’t want to hear any more of Tommo’s stories about his night.”

 

“I’ve not got stories!” Louis objects. “I just got in hoping for a nice cuppa and I’m over here getting the third degree with you lot.” Niall waves him off and grabs his set of keys off the counter.

 

“Either way, I’ve got to be off. I’ll see you all later. Louis,” Niall raises an eyebrow at him, “Lee better treat you right.” He sends a wink as he walks out the door.

 

“He’s _not_ my boyfriend!” Louis shouts after him, but his protests are futile because Zayn and Liam have now curled up on the couch with a film on, a blanket over them. Harry is avoiding Louis’ eyes with a frown and Louis feels uncomfortable all over again, the laughter that had loosened his body was gone, his stomach feeling squirmy. He hates silence with Harry though; the boy has been with him for so long they found it difficult to fight for very long. “How was your night?” He tries, and desperately hopes that Harry will respond.

 

“It was nice…” Harry smiles sweetly at him, looking relieved that Louis had asked the question first. “I’m sorry I didn’t text you. I got caught up with Nick…I…Lou, he asked me last night if I wanted to make things like. Official and what not.”

 

“Oh.” A chord in Louis’ chest strikes so deep that he turns and his eyes instantly water, grabbing the first dish he sees and pouring a load of dish soap on it to distract his shaking hands. “Oh wow! Surely you said yes then?” He won’t face Harry at all, his throat tight and achy.

 

“Yeah, I did. I hope you aren’t upset with me. I realize I was a knob for not texting you but by the time I got in it was so late, and I kept meaning to send you one but I was so distracted at the show. I checked to see if you were still up but I guess you were off at Lee’s?” Harry is near his shoulder now and Louis wants to run, he’s cleaned two mugs and Liam’s cereal bowl.

 

“Oh well, yeah.” Louis tries to control his voice and hopes Harry doesn’t notice. “Just got bored waiting in so I went out.” He’s finished the washing up and is now drying the dishes with careful deliberation; can’t remember the last time he’s washed anything in a sink.

 

“You’re not cross with me for forgetting are you?” Harry looks worked up, biting his lip earnestly. He never intentionally goes to hurt anyone, and would never intentionally hurt Louis. Louis suspects he’s been beating himself up over it since he got in during the early morning rays.

 

“It’s fine, Haz.” Not wanting Harry to feel bad over the least of Louis’ worries, he forces himself to look at Harry and give his shoulder a squeeze.

 

“We could go now, if you want? You seem off…”

 

“Oh, no.” Louis strains a smile. “I’m really quite knackered and I’ve done so much talking with Lee all night…I think I’ll just go and do some homework. I’ve got a lot to work on. Almost graduation time!” He thinks his heart might combust if he stands there any longer so he feels his legs move without permission towards his bedroom with a lost Harry trailing after him. Zayn and Liam, silent from the sofa, watch as well with unguarded, pitiful stress.

 

“Maybe later then?” Harry asks him, and Louis nods right before he reaches their full bath that they all share.

 

“Maybe later.”

 

Later never comes.

 

**

 

It’s been a month since Louis slept with Harry and Harry started getting serious with Nick. He’s endured long phone calls he could hear through the thin walls, and questioning looks from all his housemates when he chooses to hang out with Lee for a film night instead of the club nights they were used to. He had tried it the first few weekends but Nick was constantly there, constantly reminding him, so he had given up on those in favor of watching French films and eating ice cream straight from the tub.

 

The constant reminder of Nick, and the fact that he had been feeling ill the past week and a half, left him in one Saturday afternoon when the rest of the group had gone out to the park for a lunch because it was gorgeously sunny (a week of rain would dampen even the warmest of hearts) and mid-terms were coming near an end. Louis lays in bed, his laptop sat in his lap, fingers trembling as he types in ‘signs of early pregnancy’ into his keypad.

 

He had tried the first few days to tell himself that he was getting sick off of to many sweets, and falling asleep because he had been up late studying far to much. Then he had woken up about three days previous with his chest and nipples so tender he could hardly wash himself in the shower. He recognized the signs, was eighteen when his mother had gotten pregnant with his two youngest siblings, Doris and Ernest, and remembered all the signals of the early stages. Couldn’t forget how she had stood at the kitchen one weekend he had come home and complained for ages about how she felt as if her tits were going to fall off, and her stomach was definitely going to crawl out her mouth. She’d warned Louis that he should be prepared if he ever decided to have kids.

 

He’d laughed back then, thinking of how he had no plans for children until Harry realized their undying love for each other, which he figured would be many years away still. Little did he know that it would never happen. He hits enter before he can lose his nerve and finds a website that looks safe enough and reads on about the early signs of pregnancy and what he could be or should be expecting. He’s almost sick all over the keyboard as he goes down the checklist, ticking off all the signs he’s been having for weeks.

 

He slams his laptop shut, on auto-pilot as he slips on a tattered pair of vans and walks himself down to the corner store, trembling as he grabs three different brands of tests all labeled ‘for men’ and brings them up to the counter. The girl behind the desk hardly looks at him as she scans the items quickly, popping her gum when counting out his notes, and bagging the items before calling up the next customer.

 

Louis is alone as he sits in the toilet, three bottles of water on the countertop, one of them half empty and a stick settled on the counter. ‘Two lines: Positive! One line: Negative!’ Louis’ read the directions repeatedly and when his timer on his mobile goes off he dives for the stick, dreading to see more than one line.

 

He knows the answer before he looks at it, and is almost unsurprised as he stares at two bold lines gracing the little screen of the test. “No.” He tells himself and dumps out the rest of the tests, chugging the waters as fast as he can to finish them all up.

 

Every one of them is negative. A smiley face and bold lines mock him from where they are sat and Louis sinks to the ground and sobs. _“You could have a false negative,”_ His mother had told him when she thought she might be pregnant, _“But it’s near impossible to get yourself a false positive. Guess I’m going to have to see my GP then?”_ Feeling childish he throws the tests against the door, snaps the ones that tumble to the ground in half, and weeps through it all with his chest heaving. Pregnant with Harry’s baby and Harry was off spooning dairy free yogurt into Nick’s waiting mouth.

 

So Louis does the only thing he knows how to do in a situation when he can’t talk to Harry, and doesn’t think that even Lee could have the answer to. He only has to wait two rings before he hears, “Hiya love! Been ages since I last heard from you, what have you bee-Daisy, _really?_ ” His mothers muffled yells and the laughter of small children echo through the tiny speakers. Louis almost manages to smile.

 

“Mummy.” He whispers weakly and suddenly she’s back on again with concern dripping through her voice.

 

“Louis darling, are you alright? What’s happened?” The background noise grows dimmer as Louis closes his eyes and leans his head against the wooden doorway, cooling his forehead and giving himself a moments calm.

 

“It’s really bad mum.” Louis chokes out, biting his lip on a hiccup.

 

“You haven’t failed out have you? It’s alright if you have we could figure this out. I’m sure I can call the university maybe-“ She frets and he can hear her clicking away on her computer, probably searching for someone to call.

 

“No.” He tells her, “No, my marks are fine.” She lets out a breathe of relief but it’s only a second or so long.

 

“What is it then? You’ve not been drinking and driving? A public drinking charge perhaps? Oh Louis please tell me you’ve not robbed someone because you were out of your mind drunk. I watch the news, London is really quite a dramatic place I worry so much about you being there and falling into that type of behavior-“

 

“Mum!” He stops her rambling and has to let out a watery laugh, can’t help himself at how much she frets. “It doesn’t have to do with drinking…well. It does have to do with drinking…mum, oh God.” He’s going to cry again and this time he doesn’t hold back as he sniffles into his mobile, the screen growing tacky with his sweat and tears.

 

“Oh darling.” His mother whispers after a moment. “You’re pregnant.” He doesn’t ask how she knows, figures a mother’s intuiation is enough (and perhaps her being in a similar situation when she had him). “Am I right?” She’s gentle with him, making soothing noises.

 

“Yeah,” He tries to dry his eyes but the tears keep spilling over, pent up for a month about everything. “You are.”

 

“Oh Louis…” She doesn’t sound angry, or even disappointed. Just sad. “Do you know the father?”

 

“I…” Louis isn’t sure that he is ready to spill about Harry so he just chokes on another sob and hopes she’ll drop it.

 

“Okay, okay.” She calms him down, “How about you come home this weekend? You’ve got a few months until graduation nd we’ll just have a nice dinner with the girls and Dan, say you’ve come in for a celebration about your wonderful marks and then you and I will have a day to ourselves and we can figure this out.”

 

“I don’t know for sure…” He tells her, “I’ve not been to a doctor. Just took them home tests but I took about eight and they were all the same.”

 

His mum hums and then says, “How about you get yourself an appointment for Monday? Get some rest in today and tomorrow, poppet, and maybe tell that Harry of yours. You know he would be there for you in an instant.” He wants to cry all over again, in fact he does (hadn’t really managed to stop) and sighs.

 

“Mum please don’t tell anyone about this…I don’t know if I’m going to keep it. I don’t know what to do…I.” He stutters over his words.

 

“My lips are sealed. Not until you’re ready, alright?”

 

“Thanks, mum.”

 

“I love you, darling.” She sounds like she’s crying to which makes him cry harder.

 

“I love you too.”

 

“Look at us,” She sniffles at the same time he does. “A couple of old sops.”

 

“I think we’re alright mum.” He tells her. “I mean…I’m having a fucking child out of wedlock. Shit, out of boyfriendlock.”

 

“Louis, _honestly,_ your language is appauling. You’ve got a little one listening now.” Glad he could make her stop the tears, they finish up their conversation with Louis feeling marginally better.

 

He wasn’t sure how he was going to announce the baby to his flatmates, or if he even was. Louis _definitely_ wasn’t ready to admit to Harry that he was pregnant with Harry’s baby. What if Harry didn’t believe him? What if Harry wanted him to get rid of the baby all together? What if Harry stopped speaking to him for good? Louis’ hand flies to his stomach, the thought of anyone else telling him what to do with the little human inside of him suddenly seeming invasive and terrifying. This was his baby, after all, part of him just as much as Harry and suddenly Louis knows. He knows that, just like his mum, it was going to be him and Baby against the word.

 

“I love you little one.” He whispers down at his stomach where his hands are clamped tight. “I promise I’ll figure this all out.

 

He hides the evidence and brings back his cheerful self, trying to disguise the worry he felt brewing for his appointment Monday afternoon. Everyone seems much happier that he was no longer moping in his room and Harry begs him to grab tea Sunday evening. Louis sits through all of Harry’s ridiculous details about his and Nicks’ dates they’ve been having and the way that Nick likes to twist Harry’s curls that hang by his ears.

 

Louis avoids pointing out he used to do that all the time, and that he’s pregnant with Harry’s baby.

 

His results on Monday come back positive. He sits in the room, sockless feet dagling from the edge of the tabletop and the robe hanging loose around his shoulder, sobbing to a doctor he’d only met once. She’s kind, hands him tissues, and calmly talks to him about his many options, loading him up with pamphlets about being a single parent and help-lines he could call at any time.

 

“You’re going to be alright.” She hands him another tissue to wipe his eyes with.

 

“Yeah well, easy enough for you to say. You’ve not got another human inside of you.” She gives a generic response, Louis to upset to pay attention to what she’s really saying, and schedules him to come back in a few more weeks. Right before she goes she hands him the picture of his little person, a blob on a screen that Louis stares at intently, hoping that it would disappear from just his stare.

 

He books his train ticket home on the bus back to his flat.


	3. "You're all his and I'm all yours"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone. I completely realize that it has been half a year since I've updated and I apologize deeply for that. I really have no excuse for not doing it over summer except for the fact that my job works me to the ground and usually I was too exhausted to write. Then when I got back to school my apartment had no internet, and my computer broke so I wasn't even able to take it to the school to get work done. I'm home now and everything is going great with the computer again, hopefully it lasts lol. If you are still around from the beginning I thank you SOOOO much because it really means to the world to me. I know it sucks when authors don't update regularly so I apologize times a thousand to you all. Thanks to everyone who left comments despite my shitty updating skills and thanks to everyone who is reading this story. You all are great. Hope you love this new piece! I've already got the second half of the next chapter written so it will be this week that I get another one up after this. 
> 
> Enjoy!

 

Three months have passed since Louis figured out he was pregnant. Three months since he crawled into bed with his mum for a few hours and cried, then turned around and ate four helpings of roast potatoes that she’d cooked knowing they were his favorite. So far the only thing he’s prided himself on is being able to hide it from the other boys, especially Harry.

 

Things at the flat had become to hectic for them to notice if Louis was acting off with most of them spending time in common rooms studying, his morning sickness hadn’t been as strong (he thanked his mum for those lucky genes) and he assumed they were pairing his overeating with the stress of graduation nearing if they had noticed it at all. Niall had a countdown on one of the cabinets in their kitchen with only two months to go left on it. It was hard to believe that time had gone so fast; that they were really beginning to look for other places to live that wasn’t with each other. Liam and Zayn had been checking out cozy one bedroom flat near Liam’s office he was guaranteed a spot to work when his internship completed over summer, and Niall was in talks over moving back to Ireland to help his father’s business. Harry found a spot close to the university with Nick and some of their friends seeing as he had two years left. He had offered for Louis to join him and fill one of the spare bedrooms but Louis had waffled over it and was now stuck looking to find somewhere on his own when he missed the cutoff date to sign up and Harry was forced to find someone else.

 

Realistically, he knew his only option was going to be to move back to Doncaster where the rent was cheaper and he had a babysitter free on hand. Every time he thought of the baby growing in his stomach, the baby who was now big enough to start stretching and snoozing, sucking on a thumb, he felt himself growing sick with anxiety. It seemed the longer he waited to tell Harry about Baby the more he realized he probably would never be able to do it. Eventually, as in five months eventually, Louis wouldn’t be able to hide the pint size little being but he knew Harry would never know of the real relationship between him and Baby.

 

It makes him cry, more often than not, when he thinks about how Baby and he are going to be so very alone. How Baby will be so much like him, a single parent constantly working to make ends meet and Baby constantly aching to know who dad is. Louis can only hope that if Harry does find out he won’t turn out to be like Troy who told fifteen-year-old Louis life was better when he figured Jay had aborted him. Louis gets up from where he’s sprawled out on his back atop the recommended pillow pile to alleviate gas, saving himself from thinking to much of Troy and of Harry.

 

As he stands he catches himself in the mirror he has hanging on the back of his closet door and notices with some curiosity that there’s a bump there that undeniably had not been before. He steps closer, his eyes narrowed and his head cocked, and then rotates so he’s standing with his side facing the mirror and his breath catches. Immediately he turns to tell someone, to tell anyone, there’s a baby inside him. He stops when he remembers that the only person who knows is his mum so he half-heartedly grabs his mobile to send a picture to her. He raises his t-shirt up around his puffed up nipples, trapping it under his armpits to see the firm pudge of his belly and uses his hand not holding his mobile to rub a hand over his stomach. He feels a soft flutter and imagines Baby inside with a little thumb nestled inside a soft mouth, cuddled into a curled position to comfort him.

 

“It’s okay,” He presses not hard enough to hurt but enough to remind Baby that he’s right there. “I’m right here.” He feels overwhelmed so suddenly with his heart in his throat; dropping his mobile back onto the night table knowing it could wait. “I love you.” He keeps his eyes trained on the bump in the mirror, amazed that it was really his stomach that was stretched out like that-supporting a whole life that he would be responsible to shape.

 

He doesn’t hear the door opening, to caught up in admiring the way the bump moves with the way he breathes, and nearly knocks the mirror off the door when he hears Harry’s,

“Louis?” With a tight voice. He drops his t-shirt immediately and wheels around with eyes wide.

 

“Oh.” Louis says not sure what else to say when he notes that Harry is holding a mug of what looks like tea. Louis hasn’t drank tea in at least three weeks knowing that the caffeine was bad for the baby. If anyone had asked he had played it off to having bad headaches. “Er. You’ve brought me tea. Well done, thank you.” He grabs the mug awkwardly out of Harry’s hand but doesn’t drink it. Harry is to busy staring at Louis’ t-shirt clad stomach, which Louis now realizes does nothing to conceal the _gigantic_ bump he’s carrying, to notice or care.

 

“Are you okay?” Harry asks him and looks up to Louis’ face finally with a confused expression crossing his adorable face.

 

“Fine. You?” Louis is panicking, he’s going to drop the mug onto the ground with how bad he is shaking and maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea because then they would have something to discuss other than the growing weight on Louis’ tummy. Louis feels a lump welling up in his throat the hurt expression gracing Harry’s features.

 

“Lou…” Harry breathes out and keeps staring at the bump and Louis feels something inside of himself crack. He knows he can’t keep Baby a secret any longer. Slowly, he walks over to the bedroom door that had been left cracked and lets it close with a soft snick then sets the mug onto the night table next to his mobile. He would have to send a picture to his mum another time.

 

“Harry.” Louis says, and he was always so bad at hiding anything from Harry. It was a wonder that he had managed to go four months doing so. “Why don’t you take a seat?” He gestures to his unmade bed and Harry complies still looking confused but at least the hurt expression is gone off his face. “Well. There’s not really…” Louis wants to just spit it out but he isn’t sure what he could say to Harry that would make sense. A year ago Harry would have been the first person Louis told when he felt the symptoms. As it turns out, Harry is the third. Lee had figured it out during one of the times Louis had gone to his flat while Harry was out with Nick, and had become Louis’ in London support group (while his mum was his out of London support group). “I’m…Harry I’m pregnant.” He says softly and he looks down at his sock covered feet. There’s a hole in the toe of his left one and he absent-mindedly thinks about how he should throw it out.

 

He starts when he feels arms come around him and then Harry is wrapping him up in his arms with a tight squeeze, careful not to press too much around Louis’ midsection. “Oh, Lou. Louis. When? How?” He pulls back but only to lead Louis back over to the bed so they are sat cross legged and staring at each other. Harry pulls one of Louis’ hands into his lap and frowns, “I mean I know how but…who? I didn’t know you were seeing anyone?”

 

“It’s not…I’m not?” Louis panics not sure how he’s going to explain to Harry that Harry can’t know who the father is. “I…it’s complicated Harry.” He bites back a few tears that spark up in his eyes. He thinks about how yesterday he saw a picture of Harry and Nick cuddled up together with Nicks’ lips on Harry’s cheek and how Harry looked so, so happy as the lock screen on Harry’s phone. Four months ago it had been of him sticking his middle finger up at the camera, but laughing.

 

“Are you alright? Is someone hurting you? Did someone hurt you?” Harry’s eyes flash with anger, then with concern, and back to anger as he contemplates what to do if someone hurt Louis.

 

“No…no, nobody hurt me. I’m just. I’m not seeing the father because he’s with someone else. It’s not really meant to be.” Louis fiddles with a loose strand on the bedspread avoiding Harry’s gaze.

 

“You slept with someone in a relationship?” He asks softly, worried but not angry that Louis could possibly have.

 

“No!” Louis corrects immediately. “The relationship is. Well. It’s relatively recent but they got together before I had to the chance to.” He stops himself, feeling his breath catch in his throat and his chest flutter. He pinches his nose to try to get his breathing back under control and doesn’t notice that Harry has jumped to his side to rub his back until he reopens his eyes.

 

“Lou, babe.” He says softly, “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” He clutches Louis as if he hugs Louis enough maybe it’ll take away some of the hurt Louis is feeling. Louis can’t help but think of how hard it had been to hide this from Harry and now that it was out he felt as if a weight had been lifted only to be replaced by a heavier one. “Oh, please don’t cry.” Harry begs him as Louis lets the tears that had been pressing to the corners of his eyes for months, it felt like, finally fall. “Don’t cry. Shhh.” Harry takes him and lays him on his side, spooning up to him so that they’re pressed chest to chest and Baby is protected in between them.

 

It only makes Louis cry harder and he isn’t able to stop himself for what seems like hours, just letting himself go with snot dripping down his chin and Harry’s lips repeatedly pressing to his forehead. When he finally manages to calm down he feels exhaustion deep in his joints and wants nothing more than to curl up asleep with Harry by his side. “I’m s-sorry.” He hiccups. “I should have told you…I just. I was so afraid Harry.” A fresh wave of tears comes out of him.

 

“It’s okay.” Harry soothes immediately. “It’s alright. You were afraid, it’s okay. I’m not angry. I wish you had so I could have helped more but I’m here now. I’ll help you. We all will, alright? We love you so much Louis. Niall, Zayn and Liam, even Nick. We’re all here to help now and you don’t have to be alone.” Harry’s whispering softly to him but Louis just lets himself cry during it, unable to fathom the idea of Harry and _Nick_ being the ones to care for him.

 

“You don’t have to.” Louis says, “Really…Harry.  You don’t have to.”

 

“Of course I don’t.” Harry says stubbornly and brushes a hand through Louis’ hair with a gentle scratch. “I want to. You’re my best friend.”

 

Best friends forever, Louis thinks idly, that’s all they’ll ever be. “Thanks.” He says listlessly. Harry smiles softly down at him. “I love you. When you’re ready to tell everyone I’ll be right beside you, alright?”

 

“Right beside me. Thanks, Harry.” Louis repeats thinking if their relationship was anything normal he would be right beside Louis because they were together. “I love you too.” He parrots back and closes his eyes. “I’m going to sleep now.” He doesn’t bother to extend the invitation to Harry but he gladly takes it anyways, cuddling Louis closer to him.

 

**

Telling the others doesn’t go exactly as Louis had planned. He had sat them down in their living room later that day with Harry sat next to him, their thighs pressed together, and he had explained to them that he didn’t want to talk about the father because he knew it would never be. He expects some anger, thinks that he would probably be upset if any of them had hid it from him, but when Zayn storms out with a slam of the door, Louis feels sick. He can still hear Zayn’s spitting question, _“Planning to keep the kid in the dark forever then, Louis?”_ And he knows how Zayn’s real dad had been just as useless as Louis’ own.

 

He’s gone back to his bedroom, Liam following Zayn outside after an uncomfortably pregnant pause, Louis not being able to stand the way Niall offered him a pitying smile.

 

“Hi.” Harry doesn’t bother knocking as he comes into Louis’ room. “I was supposed to go out tonight for some Thai with Nick, but I decided to come in here with you.” He’s hovering near Louis’ bed as Louis faces away from him sniveling pathetically to himself.

 

“Okay.” Louis says, “You don’t have to. Go out.” He doesn’t want to be hateful towards Harry but he doesn’t think he could stand feeling guilty about Harry ditching Nick for him on top of everything he was feeling.

 

“Louis.” Harry kneels on the bed and rubs a hand down Louis’ back. “Come on, turn on a film. Fuck Zayn.” He nudges Louis’ back and Louis feels his lips tremble as his body threatens to betray him twice in one day and let him cry in front of Harry again.

 

“I would rather just sleep.” Louis admits softly and can practically feel Harry sigh as he stretches out but doesn’t touch Louis.

 

“Alright then, let’s sleep.” Louis hears some shuffling and then the overhead light is cut out and Harry is back in bed but without the ridiculous headscarf and boots on. They lay side by side on their backs for quite awhile and Louis thinks about how the last time they did this they had created Baby. He tries not to dwell as he begins to drift off, one of Harry’s hands tangling with one of his own, a soft knock startling him awake.

 

“Yeah?” Harry whispers out, turning to see if Louis had moved at the sound of the knocking. He doesn’t bother to pretend he’s asleep as they both stare at the door.

 

“Mind if I come in?” It’s Zayn and Louis has little energy to fight with anyone anymore.

 

“Come in.” He croaks out over Harry’s bitter, “Yes.” They share a look as Zayn comes in and hovers awkwardly near the bed.

 

“So.” He stares at them stretched out together, Harry with an arm protectively wrapped around Louis and Baby. “I wanted to apologize.” He looks down at his feet and then brings his gaze to the wall right above Louis’ bed.

 

“Alright then.” Louis says.

 

“Right. So…” He looks at Harry and then back at Louis. “If we could talk?” He looks back at Harry again who looks between the two of them with a confused frown.

 

“Whatever it is you’ve got to say to him you could say to me, too.” Harry says gruffly to Zayn and then turns to Louis. “Yeah?” He asks for conformation but Louis just settles a hand on Harry’s thigh.

 

“Yeah, I know he can but I think this needs to be just between Zayn and me. Is that alright?” Harry looks stung but masks his face as quick as it comes, and nods. He leans down and presses a kiss to Louis’ forehead. “You could go to dinner with Nick, I’ll still be here when you get back if you’re still feeling up for a film.”

 

“I…” Harry looks torn but then his mobile dings with an impending text message, which he pulls out and reads. “It’s Nick.” He looks back at Louis who avoids his gaze because he knows disappointment is written all over. “I’ll only be out for an hour or so. We can watch as many films as you want when I get back?”

 

“Sounds lovely.” Louis scoots to the end of the bed and motions for Zayn to take a seat next to him when Harry stands up.

 

“I’ll see you tonight. Text me if you need me?” He hugs Louis, mindful of Baby, and Louis squeezes back.

 

“Will do.” There’s a long silence after Harry exits the room, neither he or Zayn having much to say. “So you wanted to apologize?” Louis finally breaks the silence.

 

“Yes…I’m sorry Louis. I shouldn’t have yelled like that at you. You were the same as me growing up, and it sucks that it’s happening to you too.” There’s another pregnant pause, _Oh the irony_ Louis thinks, before Zayn continues. “I dunno what made me lose it like that. I think it just took me by surprise and you were sat with Harry, and I think it got me upset more cause like you two were supposed to end up together." He seems lost as he tries to justify his anger towards Louis.

 

"Just friends," Louis says lightly to Zayn, trying not to give away any emotion. "He's got Nick and now I'm pregnant, I don't think it'll ever work."

 

"Yeah, but like." He stops and then tenses with a guilty expression on his face. "Can I tell you something without you getting cross?"

 

"Maybe?" Louis never likes these questions but knows it would be better to consent than find out another way.

 

"Part of me felt like...like you were doing this to get back at him or something. You know what I mean? Like he got Nick and stopped whatever it is you two were, and a part of me thought this was your way to get him back." Louis can't help but feel like he had been slapped. Yes; he had been miserable that Harry had started paying Nick more attention than him but the fact that his mate, his best _fucking_ mate, would think he would be as vindictive as to impregnate himself to get back at Harry. Louis bites back his tears in favor of a hot flash of anger, spiking deep into his chest and down through his finger tips.

 

"Are you joking?" He asks Zayn, a way for him to get out of what he said.

 

"Oh, Lou. I know it was terrible the second I thought it, I knew it was all terrible the moment I left even but I couldn't help it."

 

"Yeah." Louis doesn't know what else to say. His room is suddenly oppressive, his four plainly colored walls making him feel ill, and he's sure if he sits any longer on his unmade bed he'll be sick all over it.

 

"I'm really sorry..." Zayn seems to sense the tension, must have noted the way Louis is shaking.

 

"Great. Yeah. I'm sorry, but as one of my best fucking mates I figured you would have been the first to support me. I'm not exactly sure how I'm meant to feel with you coming in here expecting me to be okay with the fact that you look so lowly at me. I love him, Zayn. I love him a lot. I would never use another human against him; I would never use anything against him." Louis stands up, pulling on his vans from where they had been chucked near his door.

 

"Lou, I know it was stupid of me to think it-" Zayn stands up to follow Louis into the front hall. Niall looks up from where he's hovered over a textbook, standing up when he sees Louis angrily grab his keys from the hook near the front door.

 

"You still thought it. I'm going out." He doesn't wait for Zayn to respond and ignores Niall’s shout of his name as he slams the door and makes his way out of their building.

 

**

 

"So, you think you'll talk to Zayn again?" Lee hovers over the pot where he's stirring around tomato sauce for the squash spaghetti he had boiling in the other pot. Louis had just finished telling him the dramatics of the evening, and was now propped up against his counter with a plate of mature cheddar cheese and Nutella.

 

"I'm trying to be serious, Lee." Louis whines as Lee just laughs, and shoves him lightly with his hip.

 

"I know, I know. I don't think Zayn meant for it to come out how it did. He loves you, you're his best mate. I lived with you for awhile." Lee reaches above his head to grab down a spice Louis couldn't identify.

 

"Maybe," Louis says softly. "What's with the fancy dinner anyways? You've set your table." He notices the elegantly folded napkins and wine glasses set out.

 

"You know Gene?" Louis finishes off the last of the cheese and moves to set his plate in the sink and Lee sets a loaf of bread on a tray and places it in the oven.

 

"The one with all them hamsters that he calls to tell you about at least four times a week?" Louis has heard all about Gene and was well aware that he and Lee had been dating for more than a few months now. Louis had never properly met Gene as Gene lived in Surrey and only came in to visit every other weekend.

 

"He has gerbils, Lou, and there's only two of them." Lee smiles at him, endeared by the way Louis was starting on a package of baby carrots to dip in his Nutella with a disgusted expression on his face.

 

"Whatever," Louis rolls his eyes and moves to sit down in one of the chairs. "What about gerbil Gene?"

 

"He's coming round tonight. Things have been getting really serious. He's talking about coming to live closer to here. Maybe with me." Louis chokes on the carrot, spluttering a laugh of both surprise and mild disgust.

 

“What am I meant to do if gerbil Gene comes living here? He’s mucking everything up! You can’t do this to me too. I counted on you Lee.” Louis wishes that it was just his dramatic side coming about, that he was faking the tears that suddenly popped up, but he knew he wasn’t. The pregnancy was making him thirty times more upset about everything.

 

“You can still come round anytime you want,” Lee says as he squeezes his arm. “I’ve told Gene all about you and he thinks you sound lovely. He wouldn’t have a problem with you bunking here for a few days if you ever needed to.” The flat is two-bedroom and Louis is still unsure how Lee managed to pay for it all without any flatmates but chooses instead to take another bite of his carrot.

 

“Well.” He says as he feels his mobile vibrate with, yet another, text message from any one of his own flatmates. “I suppose he might be alright.” Lee laughs and checks his own mobile phone.

 

“Do you want to stay for dinner with us? I had sort of planned it to be for us too but I don’t mind you staying if you’re this upset.”

 

“Maybe,” Louis says as he finally looks at his mobile. He has four text messages from Zayn all in some form of an apology, one from Liam asking him where he was, and another from Niall that was just a .gif of some reality television star talking about pregnancy hormones. Niall was his official favorite. Then, he notices one from Harry simply asking how he was doing and he decides then that he was better off going home. “Actually. I better be getting back round to mine.” He had been at Lee’s for a few hours and knew that if Harry returned before he did an entire search party would be sent out.

 

“If you’re sure, Gene is just now catching the tube to here. He should be here within twenty minutes or so. Train was a bit slower than expected.” Louis wanders himself to the front door, nodding along with Lee’s stories about Gene.

 

“Definitely sure. I’d rather just have a film night and maybe finish up some homework. I’ve got to pass all my classes if I want to graduate and nobody likes an unwed, pregnant, and degreeless lad.” Louis tries to make a joke about the entire situation but it falls short between both of them.

 

“Really, Lou.” Lee tells him softly. “You can stay if you want, I know everything is a bit shit right now.”

 

“Only a bit.” Louis does get a laugh then and they hug quickly. “Tell gerbil Gene I’d be glad to meet him for tea one afternoon. If he wants to pay that is.” He waggles his eyebrows up at Lee as Lee flips him his middle finger and watches as Louis makes his way down the steps to the ground floor of his flat building.

 

**

 

A month later, one month until graduation, and four months until Baby, Louis finds himself holed up in bed flicking through his DVD cases, his stomach still trying to launch itself out of his body through his mouth and the acid burning a hole into his esophagus. He was getting bored with his daily routine now that Gene had officially moved into Lee’s flat. It was nice, sometimes, being there with the two of them, especially now that he always felt uncomfortable at his flat.

Niall was antsy to have some form of a party that Harry would shoot down because of Louis, but then go out with Nick instead of staying in with him, and Zayn and Liam were always off on their own now with other couples from Liam’s internship. Louis and Zayn had repaired their relationship to the best of their ability but Louis knew the way he looked at Zayn was always going to be different, and Zayn knew it too. It was probably why the introvert was so on board with going out with Liam’s workmates.

 

But Louis expected it all to be like this. Being pregnant ages before your mates was destined to change everything, his mum had warned him after all. Through it all, though, Louis was glad at least Lee had remained constant. Maybe it was because he wasn’t around as much before Baby, but Louis was eternally grateful that the lad was willing to hang around.

 

“Knock knock!” Harry says as he opens up the door, a packet of ginger biscuits and tea in his hand. Louis side eyes him with raised eyebrows as he settles his treats onto the nightstand and then goes to close the door.

 

“Yes?” He asks as he continues his task of finding a Friday night film that wasn’t going to make him cry. He was so sick of doing that and it was all he seemed to do recently.

 

“I’ve just decided to skip out tonight in favor of having a lovely night in with my best mate.” Harry holds out the saucer of tea with his eyebrows raise empathetically.

 

“Oh how very noble.” Louis snaps, unsure where the hostility was really coming from. He was tired of feeling like a charity case between everyone in his family and in the flat, and even with Lee (who was out at a club tonight with _bloody stupid_ Gene). “Well done.”

 

“Hey!” Harry pouts and crawls across the bed to pull away the DVD case holder, and wrap an arm around Louis. “Don’t be so cross with me. I miss hanging out with you.”

 

Harry does actually look quite upset at the idea of Louis not wanting to hangout with him so he sighs, very loudly, and grabs the DVD case back and pulling out a random one. “Put this in.” He commands more than asks but Harry happily does it, looking on fondly as Louis sips his tea and takes a small nibble from the biscuit. “Where’s Nick tonight?”

 

“Out.” Harry shrugs. “He wanted me to come over but I feel like you and I haven’t spent anytime together in ages.” Which was true, it was as if they were always missing each other and had altogether stopped making anytime for one another. Louis makes a noncommittal noise and Harry worms his way underneath the duvet as the opening credits begin to play. “And what about Lee? Pretty surprised to find you here for once.” He only sounds slightly bitter about it all, but Louis can see the tense lines around his eyes.

 

“Off with Gene. Some club opening they were invited too. I dunno.” Louis really had stopped listening while Gene had explained it to him over dinner last week, knowing that he was going to be left alone.

“Gene?” He asks with his brow furrowed, and Louis realizes that it really had been awhile since they had truly spent time together because he had never mentioned Lee’s boyfriend before.

 

“Oh!” Louis says, “Gene is Lee’s boyfriend. Has been for a few months now.” He goes back to watching the film but turns back to Harry when he feels his eyes turn to him.

 

“Lee’s got a boyfriend?” Harry asks curiously, and Louis sees the way his eyes flicker down to the ever growing bump.

 

“Yes.” Louis throat tightens as he realizes where this conversation might be going.

 

“Does Lee’s boyfriend…know?” Louis freezes and his blood runs cold at the mere thought of where Harry was taking this.

 

“Know what?” He squeaks trying to even out his tone but falling short of it, his breath hitching.

 

“About the baby.” Harry points. “Does he know about the baby?”

 

“Of course he knows.” They’re both sat up now, the film completely forgotten. “Of course he knows about Baby. It’s a bit hard to miss.”

 

“That’s not what I meant.” Harry staring at him with wide eyes. “Does he know who the dad of Baby is?” Oddly, Gene _does_ know who the father is but Louis was not about to share that bit of information with Harry. He wasn’t ever going to be honest with Harry, or really anyone apart from Gene and Lee, if he could help it.

 

“I…no?” Louis lies and looks away back towards the film. “What are you implying, Harry?”

 

“Louis.” Harry’s hand is on his shoulder. “Louis…you’ve got to tell Gene. You’ve got to tell Gene and Lee both.”

 

“Tell them what?” He still won’t look at Harry, his voice quiet.

 

“That Lee…” He trails off and then looks at Louis’ stomach again. “You know.”

 

“I-“ He goes to correct Harry who holds up a hand.

 

“I know you think that it’ll ruin everything and you’re scared but you’ve got tell them, Lou. You can’t keep it a secret forever.”

 

“Harry Lee isn’t-“ Louis tries again but Harry continues on as if he hadn’t heard him, which perhaps he hadn’t. Louis wasn’t speaking any louder than a hoarse whisper.

 

“It’s not fair on any of you, babe. You don’t have to hide it anymore and I am sure that Lee would be supportive. He has been this long. I mean, I can’t believe he hasn’t already figured it out but you’ve really got to tell him. I’ll be there when you are ready to do it so you aren’t alone, I promise you. You’re never alone in any of this.” Louis stares at Harry for a long time, contemplating all the things in this moment that he could (should) say but he doesn’t.

 

Instead he leans over and hugs Harry and whispers, “Thanks.” And they settle back against the pillows, fingers tangled together.

 

_How am I going to get out of this?_ Louis thinks to himself, his heart racing. He was truly and utterly fucked in every sense of the way by Harry Styles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave any comments you have :). My tumblr is running-lantern.tumblr.com if any of you are interested in a follow! Message me if you want me to follow you! I am all about having tumblr friends (cause I don't have any...lol).


	4. Stolen Kisses, Pretty lies. You're the King Baby, I'm your Queen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I know I was meant to update on Thursday but I have been so busy with school and I got sick. (Completely TMI but whenever I get really overwhelmed with work and become stressed I end up upsetting my stomach causing me to throw up all the time).
> 
> This chapter is a bit short because my finals for my semester are approaching and I have presentations, unit planning, conferences, term papers, and examinations all due within the next two weeks so I've been really overwhelmed. I promise to keep writing and updating as soon as I am able to do:(. 
> 
> Thanks again for everyone's wonderful comments--they mean a lot :)xox

“I have a proposition for you.” Lee says one night as they’re sat around his and Gene’s dining room table eating dinner. Graduation was in three weeks and Louis had no place to live (unless he moved back in with his mum) and no jobs lined up because he wasn’t sure where he was going to end up.

 

He had been worrying the skin around his thumb, he was six months pregnant and he had no idea where he was going to end up in a matter of weeks. He hadn’t let Lee or Gene in on Harry’s newest kick about Lee being the father, a lie that was eating away at him more and more. He felt as if he hadn’t slept in weeks and he knew he looked crap with bags under his eyes. Everyone in his flat had commented on his weight loss in the recent month but he wasn’t sure how to express to them that it was just because of all the lying he was doing.

 

“What’s that?” He doesn’t look up from his plate of Salmon that he had hardly touched. He had told Lee all the anxiety was from trying to find a place to live that would be suitable for a single father and a newborn, who had understood with gentle eyes.

 

“We’re looking for a new receptionist at the veterinary office I’m working at.” Louis looks up curiously as Lee sets his own fork down. “Turns out Mrs. Green’s husband got an offer in Scotland and they’re moving. She’s just put in her notice and will be gone right around the time you graduate.” Louis stays silent but a spark of hope ignites in his chest. After what felt like six months of agony and confusion, he could feel things starting to turn about. “I can pull a few strings and get you her job, if you’d like.”

 

“Oh Lee…I would love it, I would. I just don’t know where I- _we_ would stay…” Louis says with the flame that had been warming inside himself washing out once again.

 

“Well,” Lee exchanges a look with Gene who gives Louis a smile, adjusting the glasses resting on the bridge of his nose. “We’ve talked a lot about it and if you are interested, you could stay with us. It would be easier until the baby was born, we could easily split some rent between us. Maybe do an arrangement where you get groceries instead of rent?” Lee looks at Gene again who smiles encouragingly back at Louis.

 

“That’s really great of you.” Louis says feeling overwhelmed all of a sudden. “I don’t know what to say.” He looks down at his hands to hide the tears he felt building up.

 

“If you need some time to think about it we understand.” Lee says. “It’s a big offer, we don’t want to feel lie you have no where left to go after graduation.”

 

“You’re really great.” Louis says softly. “I just need a few days to think about it before I make a decision. It’s really a lot to be putting on you two.”

 

“We wouldn’t offer if we didn’t mind!” Gene finally speaks up. “You’re our friend, Louis, and we care about you.”

 

“You lot really are great.” Louis’ voice cracks again, “Thank you so much, I mean it.” He starts to cry then, overwhelmed by how accommodating both Lee and Gene were for him. Louis knew that he had not done nearly enough for them in return yet it seemed that Lee was bending over backwards for him.

 

“Of course!” Lee jumps up and hugs him when he notices that Louis is crying. “Gene run and get a cloth for him to wipe up with, yeah?” Louis waves him off though and wipes away the remaining tears while standing up.

 

“It’s alright, I’ve got it. I’ll be back soon; I’m just going to go off to the toilet to clean up really quick. Pregnancy hormones make me cry over everything.” He makes his way to the toilet to the sound of the plates being cleared off the table.

 

After washing his face with water he pulls out his mobile to send a text message to his mum asking her to call him later on that evening and then goes back out for tea and a few brownies before bidding both Lee and Gene goodbye.

 

As Lee is in the kitchen grabbing mugs down for their tea Louis turns to Gene. “You really don’t have to do any of this for me, you know.” He says again with his brows knit together guiltily.

 

“I know that.” Gene smiles delicately at him. “I think Lee knows that too, but you mean a lot to him and I think this a bit personal.”

 

“Personal?” Louis asks adjusting his jumper over his protruding bump, smiling idly at the way Baby fluttered inside.

 

“Well when his mum was pregnant with him her husband left her and she ended up out on the streets because her mum had seven other children at home and no room for her to join in because they were strapped as it was. The relationship wasn’t that great, either, from what I heard. But I think he always worries that could be you, despite how great your own mum is. He cares about you far to much to let that happen to you.” Gene reaches across the table and squeezes Louis’ hand. “Honest.”

 

“Wow,” Louis breathes out. “I had no clue.”

 

“Most people don’t.” Lee makes his way back into the room but instead of a cross look on his features like Louis was expecting he just smiles at Louis. “But it’s true, Louis. That won’t happen to you.”

 

“Thanks.” Louis has no other way to express his gratitude. “I really. Thanks.”

 

Gene and Lee give him a matching smile as Lee sinks into his seat back down next to Gene, the two of them sharing a kiss before sipping their tea. Later, as Louis is collecting himself to leave, he catches Lee’s elbow to hug him; Baby is pressed tightly between them and unexpectedly Louis feels a lot less alone, that may him and Baby were going to be alright.

 

Relief continues to fall over him as he makes his way back onto the tube to go home; he finally had a place to go.

 

**

 

“You been thinking about names?” Harry is watching Louis fix his hair before his upcoming doctors’ appointment where he was hoping to learn the gender of Baby. The doctor had been able to tell for awhile now but Louis had been unsure if he was interested in knowing.

 

Up until now Louis still felt as if Baby was some far away dream, he hadn’t been shopping for clothing or crib sets the way he had seen his mum and everyone on television do the second they find out. He had spent the last six months trying to repress any real thoughts of Baby, but now that he knew he was able to have a place after graduation reality had come crashing in. “Nope.” He said idly as he mussed another piece of hair trying to get it to lay flat so he didn’t end up in a beanie once again. “Probably won’t until after today, if I’m honest.”

 

“Oh?” Harry sits up from where he’s sprawled out on the bed. “Why’s that?”

 

“Going to ask the gender, I think.” Louis says casually with a light shrug of his shoulders.

 

“Really?” Harry’s eyes sparkle with interest, cocking his head to the side to stare in wonder at Louis’ belly. “Can I come?” Louis snorts looking over at him expecting Harry to be taking the piss but Harry’s face is hopeful, if not pleading, that Louis will agree.

 

“Do you really want to do all that?” Louis asks as he moves to his closet to pull out a jumper to wear overtop his t-shirt. “They’re a bit boring and I thought you had a lunch with Nick.”

 

“I can cancel!”  He says instantly, jumping up to grab his boots he had tossed off the end of Louis’ bed near his door. “I can schedule that for later, Lou, please. I really want to come. I don’t like that you go all alone.” Louis bites his lip, swallowing the rush of affection he had towards the boy.

 

“If you really wanted to I suppose-“ Louis starts to say but Harry cuts him off with a cheer and a kiss pressed to his cheek, causing Louis to go bright red and his stomach to swoop.

 

“Oh Lou, this is brilliant. Thanks so much. I’m so glad you’re taking me with you, I mean I get to be there and hear my nephews heart beat. This is really the best thing that has happened all week. I love you, you’re my best friend forever.” Harry rambles as he starts out of the room. “Let me change, let me change. I don’t think I should wear a see-through shirt to this.” Louis forces out a laugh as Harry runs down the hall to his own bedroom, a thud echoing as he rips open his closet door to redress himself.

 

“He’s your son,” Louis says dully looking down at his belly. “And I love you too.”

 

**

 

“You said you’d like to know the gender?” Overall the trip had not been as bad as Louis expected, but they’d already been mistaken for a couple three times (including by Louis’ own doctor) and Harry had gone mental when he had found out Louis was losing weight and the doctor was stating her concerns. He had pulled out his mobile to write down the list of activities Louis could be doing to combat the depression he was feeling over his pregnancy, and the calorie intake he should be having each day. Right after this they were now going to meet up with Nick for sandwiches and then tomorrow he and Harry were going to a pregnancy yoga class he had managed to google up.

 

“Yes please.” Louis and Harry said eagerly; Harry turning away with a bashful smile, a light sheen of pink staining his cheeks. The nurse chuckles at them both, her eyebrows raised as if to say, _“Are you sure you aren’t together?”_

 

“Raise your shirt please, love.” She says to Louis who does so while pointedly not looking in Harry’s direction. He knew he had stretch marks leading vertically from his belly button up, and the skin was pulled tight over where Baby was at. Jumping as he squirts out a liquid gel onto his stomach, the chill causing him to let out a gasp, he notices Harry’s tender gaze at Baby. Louis’ constant feeling of broken up burns the inside of his chest, desperately wishing Harry would just brush his knuckles down his stretch marks and press a kiss to where he thought Baby’s head might be meaning _“I love you both.”_

 

As the nurse moves the wand around, both he and Harry listening in awe as Baby’s heartbeat echoes through the room, they catch glimpses of Baby’s toes and nose, and little feet forming. “Ahh, there we are.” She says smiling at them and points over to a grainy section. “Looks like you’re having a baby boy.” Louis sucks in a breath of air, caught off guard by the overwhelming feeling of love he has for someone he hasn’t met.

 

“Oh Lou.” Harry says reaching over to dab at the tearstains running down Louis’ cheeks, his own eyes wet. “Okay?” He asks him gently reaching to tangle their hands together. Louis nods quickly, grabbing the cloth from the nurse to wipe down his stomach and sit up.

 

“I’ll go ahead and print out some more pictures for you all,” The nurse says kindly. “I expect the next time I see you that you’ll be plumper and better-rested. I know things are difficult now, so I’m also going to recommend you to support groups you can be a part of that are really great ways for you to get out with people in similar situations.” She heads out the door and Louis pulls his shirt down and step off the hospital bed he had been on.

 

“You think you would want to go?” Harry asks him as Louis stretches his back, hands pressed to the lower part that always seemed to be aching. “Here, come here.” Harry motions for Louis to stand in front of him so he can rub at the kinks forming in Louis’ back. He has to bite his tongue to refrain from the noise of relief that is almost pornographic in its release.

 

“To the support group?” Louis asks hanging his head as Harry’s hands work up his back to relieve the tension. “Maybe. Dunno.”

 

“I’ll take you to any one of them if you’d like.” Harry offers softly. “I’d come too.”

 

“Think that probably defeats the purpose, love.” Louis laughs gently stepping out of Harry’s hands trying to calm his heart rate when he just barely catches the look of disappointment crossing Harry’s pouty face.

 

They chat idly as the nurse brings back the pictures and promised pamphlets, and they both hug her goodbye as they exit to meet up with Nick for lunch.

 

As they wait in a corner booth for Nick to arrive Louis places a hand on his belly and feels a goofy smile come on his face. A boy. Baby was a boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Hope you liked it, the next part will be soon :).


	5. I Know There's Only One Like You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "The first, the last, my everything  
> And the answer, to all my dreams  
> You're my sun, my moon, my guiding star  
> My kind of wonderful, that's what you are"
> 
> \--Joshua Radin
> 
>  
> 
> Hope you all like it :). Updating soon because I am sooo excited to get this all out! 
> 
>  
> 
> ******************************************************WARNING*********************************************************
> 
> There is a description of a natural birth in this chapter. If that is something that makes you uncomfortable please skip to the end. You'll know when it comes up and you won't miss much during the actual birth scene! If you're going to comment and ask how Louis can give birth let me remind you that you're reading fanfiction that has been centered around a male pregnancy, so let's not do that O_O.

Graduation happens faster than Louis is prepared for. He considers not walking now that his ankles have swelled to the size of miniature hot air balloons, but with his mum’s pleas he joins Niall, Zayn, and Liam in matching black robes and smiles as they receive their degrees. It’s sad to see Niall off, they have a week left on their lease of their flat so they decide to throw a party three days before his flight takes off and Louis doesn’t drink but he smiles along with the rest of his mates for the first time in what feels like ages.

 

They all see Niall off at the airport with heavy hearts and choked off smiles. They can’t go much further than the ticket lines but they watch him with his loaded carry on, looking over his shoulder and giving a half smile. It won’t be long until they see Niall again, he promises within the next few years he’ll  back to London again-but the goodbyes and see you later’s still feel heavy on Louis’  heart as they ride the tube back home. As he looks down at the picture Niall had gotten framed for him (all of them receiving the same gift) his heart clenches in a wish for the simpler times the photograph shows. His arms are wound tight around Harry’s shoulders, Liam sat in Zayn’s lap their faces turned into each other, and Niall stood in front of it all in proper selfie position. Louis can still feel Harry’s winding into his own, sat together across from Zayn and Liam, and they all share the same feeling of desperation for familiarity.

 

The last night of the flat has Louis and Harry spreading blankets and pillows across the now empty living room floor, a film playing on Louis’ computer and he feels twelve all over again as he rests behind Harry. He doesn’t sleep much because the carpet looked comfier than it was, but he feels protected by Harry’s presence their hands brushing occasionally but never locking.

 

Louis’ been living with Lee and Gene for a little over a month now and it’s great but he spends most of his nights with his heart clenching repeatedly for Harry. They text daily, and call once a week, but it never feels quite the same. It’s not that Gene and Lee aren’t lovely; they make his lunch and are understanding when he cries over his sandwiches being turkey instead of ham, and they’ll let him cuddle in between to watch movies. They just aren’t Harry.

 

“Only a few more weeks now, eh?” Harry’s chatting idly to him on his walk home from work. Louis had gotten off a few hours ago from the veterinary office where he was a receptionist, and Harry was continouing his internship with the same radio station that employed Nick. Louis never asked how work was.

 

“A bloody month.” He’s curled up in bed, propped up against a few pillows and a pile of dvd cases litter the ground leading up the television. His indigestion had been terrible since yesterday and he’d woken up with a cramp in his back he had yet to get rid of and couldn’t take any pills to help it because the doctor had advised, “He take a warm bath with lavender and do some stretching to help.” Which meant that Gene and Lee took the advice very seriously and had hidden all the paracetamol and Louis was ten seconds from killing or crying. It was such a familiar feeling to the pregnant boy that he hardly felt guilty that he’d hung up on his mum after she suggested a pregnancy yoga  blog.

 

“Good day I take it?” Harry laughs lightly and Louis can hear the chatter of people moving past him, the honking of horns in the outside city.

 

“Must be nice.” He says wistfully, ignoring Harry’s prompting in favor of avoiding anymore advice that involved yoga.

 

“What be?” Harry says confused, Louis can picture the way his brow is furrowed and his lips pout.

 

“Walking about London without wanting to fucking stab everyone.” Louis means to say, _“Enjoying the city and going off to meet a fabulous boyfriend for dinner at a fabulous restaurant that I can’t say the name of.”_ He can’t help himself with what comes out.

 

“What’s going on, Lou?” Harry asks concerned, “Did something happen today at work?”

 

“Nothing happened at stupid work.” Louis snips while his eyes fill with tears. He’s aching all over but can’t sleep because his esophagus feels as if it’s on fire. Baby is pressing down on his bladder _(again)_ and he’s so big getting up and down makes him feel like he’s done an entire Insanity workout _plus_ gone for a jog six times ‘round the city. He sniffles quietly, hoping Harry won’t hear him but knows that it is futile.

 

In the corner of his room is a crib, sat lone with a stuffed bear and a blue blanket over the edge. It’s a crib and changer combination, a present from his mum and her new husband Dan, and has three drawers all filled with baby clothing and diapers from all his mates who had pitied the single father. The sight of it alone has Louis crying harder, feeling guilty at being so disgusted and angry with the way his body felt.

 

“Oh Lou.” Harry says sadly. “Do you want me to come over? Please don’t cry. Look we don’t have to talk about work anymore if you don’t want. Just don’t cry.” He sounds close to tears himself which only makes Louis cry harder and he _hates_ the way pregnant him seems to do nothing but.

 

“It’s fine.” He sniffles pathetically, un-muting the volume of the television sat on top of his dresser to have more noise than his hiccups. “I just get really…dunno. Stupid, to be honest. This is really hard, Hazza.” There’s silence for a moment as Harry just makes a humming noise in understanding.

 

“I know, love.” Harry soothes. “It must be so hard to be there with Lee while he’s with Gene with him not knowing…” Louis doesn’t say anything because his heart his suddenly up in his throat. He’d almost forgotten about Harry assuming the baby was Lee’s.

 

“I-yeah.” He stutters. “It’s not…Um. Harry.” He doesn’t know what to say, wanting to correct Harry but not sure how to do it without giving away everything.

 

“It’s alright, Loubug. Are you sure you don’t want to come to mine this weekend to get a bit of fresh air? It would be good for you to get away from it for a bit.” _I am away from it_ , Louis thinks imaging what it would be like to live with Harry and Nick and all their mates from uni.

 

“I…Harry, I’ve got work and it’d be a lot to take over there plus the baby’s coming soon, I’m not sure. I’d really just be taking up a lot of room if I’m honest.” Louis stumbles for an answer.

 

“You know I don’t mind to come help you.” Harry offers.

“Yep, yes. I know Harry. Actually I’m feeling a bit ill right now, I think I’ll just head to bed. Doctor says I should just sleep these spells off. Love you talk to you tomorrow!” He hangs up before Harry can  respond and chucks his mobile down to the end of his bed.

 

He had exactly one month to tell Harry that the baby was (very obviously) not Lee’s and re-correct the entire mess he’d managed to tangle himself into.

 

**

 

One week before Baby is born Louis takes leave from work and is required to remain on bed rest. His body begins to feel different, he was having Braxton Hicks more often and his back is a constant state of borderline agony. His doctor had schedule him to come in Tuesday for a hospital stay until Baby was born because she was worried about him having a quick labor just like his mum had with him and all his siblings.

 

He’s just getting up to have a wee, his clock reading Sunday 3 AM when he feels a gush of liquid pour down his legs and splash onto the throw rug he had for decoration under his bed. “Oh.” He says suddenly, his stomach clenching horribly having him double over with a short gasp. “Oh _no._ ” Panicked he let’s out a whimper and grabs his mobile quickly pressing his mum’s speed dial.

 

“Mum!” He shouts frantically when she groggily picks up. “Mum oh no,  mum. Something. I’m going in labor. Mum. Shit.” He has no idea what to do as he stares down at the puddle of liquid on the ground, a white of stab of pain still radiating from his lower back around to his pelvis.

 

“OH!” She shouts. “ Oh, Louis. You’ve got to get to hospital. Have you woken up Lee? I’m on my way darling. Am I the first you’ve rung? What about Harry?” He can hear frantic noises coming from the other end as his mum wakes Dan, and presumedly dresses herself to drive down to London.

 

“No, mummy.” He frets. “I’m alone, I don’t…I’m afraid.” He admits weakly and she clucks through the line.

 

“Of course you are, poppet. It’s normal to be afraid but it’s going to be alright. You go ahead and get Lee to drive you to hospital, I’ll be there as soon as I can. I’ll ring up Harry and get him in there for you until I can be. How’s that sound my love?” He let’s out a sob and nods before remembering that she can’t see him but she must have taken his silence as an affirmative because she continues. “Alright lovely, how far apart are your contractions?”

 

“I…what?” He asks her as he moves down the hallway blindly for Lee and Gene’s room.

 

“The contractions, poppet. How far apart?”

 

“I’ve only had one!” He shouts at her, unsure of how to monitor them. “The water broke though, there’s a huge stain on the carpet that I’ll have to get up it’s terrible. Mum.” She laughs at his frantic voice, tittering excitedly.

 

“Alright then, get them up and have yourself a quick shower and brush your teeth. No use in rushing into the hospital if your contraction’s aren’t close quite yet and you’ll feel better. Have Lee let me know when you get there, okay?”

 

“Mum don’t hang up!” He shouts at her, “You can’t abandon me, I’m your _baby._ ”

 

“Who is also having a baby and needs to be doing what I say. Understood?” Louis reaches Lee’s bedroom and gives a sharp knock with surprisingly steady hands considering his boxer shorts are soaked and he’s sobbing.

 

“I love you.” He tells her helplessly and he can feel her smile through the phone.

 

“And I love you.” They hang up and Louis clenches his mobile in his hand as he knocks again on Lee’s door.

 

Gene answers suddenly, looking tired but panicked when he sees the state that Louis is in.

 

“Baby?” Is all he says with wide eyes and Louis nods back at him, turning abrubtly on his heels and racing back into his room to everything his mum says, while hoping another contraction doesn’t hit him.

 

**

 

“Honey.” Harry says gently to him from where he’s sat in a pair of scrubs in a chair by the room. Louis been pacing back and forth across the room in hopes of speeding Baby along, hospital gown flowing. “Why don’t you lay back? He’s going to come when he’s ready.” Just then another contraction hits Louis and he hunches over screaming, his eyes filling with tears.

 

“Shit!” He screams as he clutches his stomach and Harry leaps up, grabbing one of his hands and trying to coach his breathing.

 

“Remember in in out out, come on love it’ll help some.” Harry says imitating the breathing patterns.

 

“Fuck you!” Louis snaps, “I can’t do the breathing it hurts so bad oh my _God._ What is happening to me? My body is self-destructing, Harry!” He screams and a nurse comes in at the noise only to help monitor the contraction.

 

“Looks like we’re having them about seven minutes apart, Louis! You’re doing great. Let’s go ahead and check how much you’ve dialated. Can you lay back for me?” Louis looks up with a sweat soaked hair, so much for a shower, and tears streaming down his face.

 

“Please tell me it’s almost time, I can’t do this anymore.” He sobs as Harry helps him back up onto the table and presses a kiss to the side of his head.

 

“S’alright lovely,” He tells him softly as he in the nurse each take one of Louis’ legs to place up on the stirrups. “Going to get you some medication, alright? You’re probably five centimeters now.” He peaks over Louis’ left leg to where the nurse is between both spread wide with a hopeful smile. “Right?”

 

“Lucks on your side today, Louis! You’re already at five centimeters. I’m calling in the doctor to help administer the epidural. Let’s have you up on your side to help.”

 

Louis sobs as he turns on his side, his hands clenched into Harry’s as the nurse quickly undoes the knots on his gown and leaves the room. “You’re doing really good, okay?” Harry soothes, pushing Louis’ hair back from his eyes as he continues to cry.

 

“This is horrible, how did my mum have seven children? How did she do it? I won’t ever do this again.” He rants helplessly as the nurse returns with a team of doctors who begin to prep him for the epidural, an antiseptic wipe run across his spine.

 

“Going to be a slight pinch, alright?” The doctor says to Louis and Louis looks up with panicked eyes at Harry who looks faint at the site of the doctor behind Louis. A flash of searing pain radiates the lower half of his body as Louis screams out, eyes clenching shut and hands tightening in Harry’s. “Almost done!” The doctor says to him kindly, and another pinch of pain before Louis is being rolled onto his back and his legs begin to feel numb.

 

“Good?” Harry asks hoarsely still looking white. Louis can’t do anything but nod and close his eyes, hoping for this all to be over.

 

It’s only three hours later when he’s fully dilated. His mum had arrived but had only come in for a brief moment before returning to the waiting room. All the girls had decided to accompany her and she didn’t want to leave them unattended for long, and seeing Harry with Louis seemed to calm her some.

 

“Are you ready to push, Louis?” The doctor asks him as she settles in-between his legs, a nurse on one side and a Harry on the other.

 

“No.” He says frantically at her. “No, thank you.” The pain has dulled, some, but it still hurts enough that the very idea of shoving a human out of him makes Louis feel faint. She just laughs and nods up at the nurse.

 

“Alright Louis on the count of three I’m going to ask that you give the biggest push you can, alright? Ready? 1, 2,3.” On three he clenches his hand in Harry’s and pushes as hard as he can with a shriek.

 

“Harry!” He shouts suddenly as his chest heaves heavily. “Harry I’ve got to tell you something.” He knows now is the worst time he could bring it up, knows that he should save it until Baby is born and he’s not got his arse on display and a baby halfway through his body.

 

“Alright, ready to push again Louis?” He shoves again, a broken sob emitting through his lips as Harry squeezes his hand back in reassurance.

 

“It can wait till after, Lou.” He says gently. “It’ll be alright, just focus here.” He gives another shove at the nurses command and she announces that she can see the head, Louis give a groan in frustration that he’s not even close to having Baby out of him yet.

 

“Please, Harry.” He sobs, flopping back against the pillows in agony and frustration. “I’ve got to tell you now.”

 

“What is it?” Harry asks him softly, and Louis shoves again with all his might, pushing as hard as he can.

 

“The baby!” He sobs up at Harry and pushes once more. “It’s not Lee’s, the baby isn’t Lee’s.” Harry looks down at him shocked as Louis continues to push and feels the width of the baby’s shoulders now being released.

 

“What?” Harry asks him shocked. “Who’s is it then?” Louis shoves gives a final shove and suddenly everything seems to spill out of him and a baby’s cry echos throughout the delivery room.

 

“One more shove to get out the placenta, Louis!” The doctor tells him kindly and he does so again with a final cry, falling back against the pillow as the doctors rush the baby out of the delivery room and he is stitched back up.

 

“Louis…” Harry trails off looking at him. “Who’s baby is it if it isn’t Lee’s?” Harry asks him thickly, looking down at Louis with a frown present.

 

Biting his lip and avoiding Harry’s eyes, Louis feels the doctor pull out from between his legs and a nurse return with a bundle wrapped in a soft white blanket and a blue cap who is giving meek little cries.

 

“Here he is!” She says happily, “Have we got a name?”

 

“Edward.” Louis says softly, “Edward James Tomlinson.” And the nurse smiles happily as she’s the last one to exist the room.

 

He shushes Edward the best that he can and cradles him close to his chest. Both their hearts freeze with Edward opens his eyes and Harry’s stare back at up at them.

 

“Louis.” Harry says with ice in his voice, his face frozen on the babies matching own.

 

“He’s yours.” Louis hiccups pathetically, finally looking up at the boy who looks horrified. “Harry, I’m sorry!” Louis blurts out unsure of what else to say.

 

“You lied to me.” Harry says dumbfoundedly. “Not only that but you tried to hide my _child_ from me…” Harry’s face is pale as he begins to back out of the room. “Louis I have a fucking _boyfriend._ ”

 

“No, no, no no no!” Louis stutters, tears filling his eyes as Edward begins to cry again. “Harry no! I was trying to protect you; you were never supposed to do know! I didn’t…I didn’t lie to you. Harry, it was all an accident I promise. I can explain everything, please don’t hate me. Please. I love you so much.” Louis says brokenly, clutching Edward to his chest. “Please.” He whispers.

 

“I can’t.” Harry says, voice stone before he turns and walks out the room to the sound of both Edward and Louis’ cries.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOMP, there it is. Poor Louis :(. Please leave comments/kudos telling me what you think :) xx.
> 
>  
> 
> tumblr: running-lantern.tumblr.com (come say hello to meee)


	6. Can you hear me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looking from the window above  
> It's like a story of love  
> Can you hear me?  
> Came back only yesterday  
> Who went further away  
> Want you near me 
> 
> \--Joshua Radin 
> 
>  
> 
> Here it is guys! Hope that you like this and I'll try to update soon again :). Thanks everyone for all your lovely comments and kudos--it really means a LOT to me!!!

Louis’ mum comes first, alone, and that is when he knows that everyone out in the waiting room knows who Edward’s father is. Her face is pulled tight like she can’t decide between wanting to scream at him or wanting to hug him, but one look at Edward still nestled against him as he cries against the baby’s head she steps forward to embrace them both.

 

“It’s alright,” She soothes them. “It’s okay darlings, it’s going to be alright.”

 

“You know?” Louis hiccups helplessly as he curls up against her. “Did he tell you?”

 

“Pretty sure the entire floor knows.” Is all she says and he wants to ask if he exploded on her, or just the room in general. If he ran out in tears or if he was a ball of rage ready to destroy whoever was in his wake. Louis doesn’t ask, and she doesn’t say anymore, helping him fill out the birth certificate when a confused nurse walks back in and Harry is absent.

 

His family files in and out, all with guarded eyes like they want to ask details, but none having the nerve to actually ask. Louis can’t decide if it would be better for them to know or if he would rather keep it a secret to himself for as long as he lived. Lee and Gene both step in, and they press their lips together in identical looks of sympathy mixed with something Louis can’t place and his mum steps out to give Louis privacy with his friends to take his siblings to dinner.

 

“So.” Lee says to him as he sits in a chair near Edwards bassinet staring in at the sleeping baby, who’s little hands are curled into fists and face a pout. “He thought I was the father?” Lee doesn’t look at Louis and Gene turns back from where he’d been staring out the window to face the two.

 

“It was an accident.” Louis says sullenly, not sure how else to say it.

 

“He accidentally came to that conclusion?” Lee pops a brow and dares to look over to Louis, who dares to look away. He fiddles with his hospital band and wishes that they too had left the room so he could sleep some. The silence seems to stretch on for ages, and Louis knows he should fill the void but can’t make his brain and mouth connect.

 

Finally, “He asked me. Ages ago. Asked me about the father and I told him it didn’t matter because he was in a relationship. Thought he’d drop it or forget, but when I mentioned.” Louis hiccups, feeling his eyes fill with tears again. No hands wrap around him to make him feel any comfort so he hugs himself instead. “So. When I told him Gene was living with you, he made the connection. I tried to deny it but he wouldn’t listen. He thought I was just trying to cover for you and wanted me to tell you. I panicked. I didn’t want him to draw anymore of his own conclusions. He would have figured it out and you’ve apparently seen how well that went.” They say nothing again and Gene turns slowly back towards the window so his back faces the two. Louis isn’t sure if it’s mean to be for privacy or if he can’t stand the sight of Louis weeping in a hospital bed with a baby and no father. “I should have told you. I’m sorry.” Louis sobs. “I’m really, really sorry.” Lee nods and his eyes scan Gene’s back and then over to Louis’ guarded face as he continues to cry. He goes back to looking pitying at Louis and Louis wants to curl so deep in the blankets he doesn’t have look at anyone pitying him again.

 

“S’alright.” Lee says gently, standing up to move towards Louis’ bed. “Bit surprising when he came barreling at me asking why I lied with you.” Lee’s smile is ghostly.

 

“What,” Louis starts, bringing a shaking hand to wipe at his eyes. “What happened?”

 

Lee sighs deeply, and Louis wants to eat his words because he isn’t sure that he really wants to know what Harry said or did but before he can retract Lee carries on. “He came out all red-faced, looked like he was about ready to cry, and we all thought it was the baby.” He frowns looking over to Edward who stays sleeping. _He’s a good baby,_ Louis thinks, _Just like his father._ “Your mum came up and said, “Is it bad?” and Harry just leapt on her. Started going mental, screaming and asking if she knew. She tried to calm him down and he finally just screamed, “Did you know that he was mine?” and the whole room went dead.” Just like the waiting room hours before, Louis’ hospital room also goes dead.

 

“Oh.” Louis isn’t sure what else to say. He wants to ring his mum and apologize, knows he should have told her, but knows she understands. Want to ring Harry’s neck for attacking his mum and fall to his knees begging for forgiveness all at once

 

“Then he turned to me and started going on about how he thought I was in on this elaborate scheme with you, and how he couldn’t believe that we would just go along pretending it was mine.” Lee gives a soft, mirthless laugh. “He kept saying he didn’t understand our motive behind it all. Guess he was too caught up in the shock to figure it out himself.”

 

“Did you tell him you didn’t know?” Louis asks quietly, knowing that it was the worst question he could ask.

 

“Nope.” Lee says. “Was a bit to shocked with the news that it was even a possibility that I just stood there like an idiot.” They do laugh at that, Louis imagining Lee and Gene standing with hands in their pockets and jaws dropped as Harry yelled. The laughter doesn’t last long. “It’s going to be alright, you know.” Lee says. Louis says nothing at the sentiment that he had been hearing all day from various people he knew and loved. “He does love you, and he’ll listen when he’s ready. It was a lot of news for him.” Louis understands that.

 

Knows that Harry is only twenty-one; only twenty when it happened, that he’s not graduated for a few years and that he’s in love with someone else. Knows that a baby wasn’t something he had fathomed happening so abruptly. Louis tries to imagine how he’d feel but comes up blank, thinking how when he found out he was left alone to wallow for months in a cold bed and a bout of morning sickness. “Yeah, maybe.” He doesn’t want to give himself much hope. “Thanks, you know.” He turns to both Gene and Lee on this. “For everything you’ve done for me. I really appreciate it. You’re good mates.” Gene steps away from the window to stand beside Lee so they’re both near his bed.

 

“’Course, Lou.” Lee says. “It’s the least we could do for you. You’re our mate and we love you.”

 

“Yeah.” Gene laments, “You always made sure our Lee here had mates back when you lived together and he felt alone. Kind of our turn to take care of you.” Louis wants to shake his head and admit he was a crap mate to Lee back when they were flatmates but he feels it unnecessary. Instead he hugs them as they get ready to leave and promises them both that he’ll do his best to rest and not think of Harry until after the hospital.

 

He knows it’s a lie but he can’t feel any remorse as they leave and he lays back for a fitful night of sleep.

 

**

 

“You don’t have to leave, you know.” Lee’s watching as Dan and Gene all work out how to carry the dresser out the door and to the van they’ve rented to bring him back home to his mums. Lee’s had never been permanent, so with the money he’d earned with working throughout uni and summers off, plus the job Lee had given him and a loan from his both his mum and Dan he’d had enough to rent a crap flat a few blocks over from his mum and survive at least a month without a job.

 

He was thankful that she had offered to baby-sit, for free, while he job searched and worked and that he wouldn’t have to worry about transportation much since their hometown was so small he could walk.

 

“I know.” Louis adjusts Edward from where he’s snuggled up against his chest, Louis’ stomach still rounded from where a baby had nestled inside just two weeks ago. “But I think it’s for the best.”

 

Zayn and Liam had been speechless at the news of the Edward being Harry’s, and had been kind but standoffish when they’d come to visit. They’d delivered a bag with outfits, diapers, and a stuffed duckling but hadn’t stayed long. Louis had expected it but it didn’t hurt any less when they’d walked out with heads bowed together and whispering. Louis knew it would be awhile until he’d heard from them again and cried once their shadows had disappeared down the hallway. Niall hadn’t been much better, he’d sent a long winded Facebook message telling Louis that he would always love him but he was hurt that Louis had kept it hidden from them all, especially Harry himself. Louis didn’t have it in him to respond back to argue, so he sent a short message returning the love and stating he understood. Niall had messaged a few times more, but Louis hadn’t bothered to read them as he deleted them.

 

He couldn’t help but feel angry at all three of them, no matter how much of this he had brought upon himself. He thinks back to how they’d supported him before knowing the father, and wonders if he would have had that support if they’d known all along. Louis’ heartbroken at the idea of the abandonment so he pulls away instead of trying to explain. It wasn’t as if any had asked for his side of the story regardless. Two weeks since he’d last heard from them all and Louis could ensure it would be forever until he heard from them again.

 

Then there was Harry. Louis tried, right when he was released from the hospital to get in touch with him but Harry wouldn’t return his calls or his messages. Unsure of what to do, he’d gone to Harry’s new flat in hopes to speak to him only to have the door slammed in his face by a livid Nick, telling him that Harry wanted nothing to do with him for the time being. Instead, Louis wrote a letter that he would mail once he’d returned home, explaining everything from the time he was small until Edward being born. He knew it wasn’t going to be enough to get Harry to be his friend again, but a slight part of him hoped that he would at least stay in touch for Edward.

 

His mum had hired a therapist at his doctors recommending, all worried about post-partum depression striking hard at the single father. He’d gone to a few sessions, and that’s where he’d worked up writing the letter to Harry. He knew it would be a long time coming before he was ever okay, and he wasn’t sure if he was going to be okay ever again but as he hugged both Gene and Lee tightly, letting them have cuddles with Edward and promising both he would stay in touch, Louis knew he could breathe easier being outside London air.

 

In the car ride, Louis sits next to Edward inside his booster, letting Edward gum on his index finger on one hand as he clutches the letter to Harry in the other. With his one, free, shaking hand he reopens the letter to read it one last time before they stop off at the post office.

 

_Dear Harry,_

_I know I am the last person that you wish to hear from, and you’ll probably put this letter down if you bother to open it in the first place. But please keep reading. I need for you to keep reading. To start off, perhaps I should tell you what happened. We had a one night stand, ages ago, a few days after you and Nick had fought because you weren’t sure if he was right for you. It was dumb and it was beautiful and you didn’t remember but I did. I tried to tell you but it was a lot to say. Sounds silly now, but at the time I didn’t want to lose you. And I was afraid telling you would do just that. I didn’t think that there would be any consequences. I figured we would just continue on with what we always do. Hook-up and don’t look back. It’d had always just been kissing but this time it was sex and I panicked. It was more than we had ever talked about. Not that we really talked about any of it to begin with. That sucks, Harry, it sucks to be in love with someone and only have them drunk. But what sucks more was that I did that to you. I’m older and should have been more responsible. And I should have told you when I still had the chance. I’m sorry._

_I can’t tell you how sorry that I am. I should have told you from the start that Edward was yours, but I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you. Harry, you’ve been a constant in my life since the day you were born unlike so many others that I (we) have known. It’s a lot to put on you, the pressure of being my Forever, but I ~~meant it~~ mean it every time I ~~said~~ say it to you._

_Harry you will always be my forever. I’ve loved you since the first time I felt you kick inside your mums stomach. I haven’t stopped loving you and I won’t ever stop loving you. I could have told you, years and years ago, but we both know how I am with my feelings. I’ve always done it, Haz. That’s why I thought you would understand that I hid this from you. I realize now that I should have been better. I should have done you better. My feelings were so small when it came to Edward. He’s just as much you as he is me, maybe more so you than me, and you deserved to know from the start._

_But I can’t change that I didn’t tell you. I can’t stop apologizing for this, and wishing that I could go back, but I can’t. I can’t change anything, Harry. I can’t change that I had Edward. Can’t change that I didn’t tell you. Can’t change that he’s yours. Can’t change the fact that I am so in love with you. Can’t change how you are not just my first thought when I wake and go to sleep, but you haunt my dreams. You are so beautiful, inside and out, and you deserve everything good that this ugly world has to offer._

_Have I ever told you that your smile is what I think of when I can’t remember anything beautiful? The first time I went to my appointment for Edward, I thought of your smile. Thought of what it would be like to have you with me. It’s okay, Harry. I know. I know you’re probably thinking, “What a prat, I was there for some and if he wanted me there he should have told me.” It’s okay, Haz. Be as angry as you can. You always put yourself last and it’s time that you put yourself first. I used to wish that I would be standing by your side as you did just that. As you got everything you deserved. I realize now how selfish it was. I’m not everything you deserve. Quite the opposite in fact. But I still love you and can’t say that enough. You are, and always will be, my forever._

_I know you’re with Nick, and you want nothing to do with me anymore. He’s told me, as has everyone else we knew, so I won’t try to contact you again after this. I just wanted to enclose this picture of Edward, in case you might want to see him. I won’t stop you visiting. He’s your son too. I can leave him with my mum and your mum and be gone so we never have to cross paths, if that’s what you want._

_I just can’t let ~~my~~ our baby have no father. He’s only a few weeks but he too loves you. Give him a chance even though I don’t deserve one._

_Harry. You will stay beautiful, and I have full faith that you’ll graduate uni with top marks and your head high. This is my last Ordinary Present, though it’s not quite ordinary at all. I am going back home now, so if you get this letter could you please give me a ring, or just write a letter back addressed to my mum's.  
_

_I love you, Harry Edward Styles. I love you forever._

_Xx_

_Louis_

_**_

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

:(...I am so sorry! It'll get happier...eventually!

 

Here's my [tumblr](http://running-lantern.tumblr.com/), come say hi! xxx :)

 

 

 


	7. Give me Your eyes for just one second

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hope that everyone is wonderful! I tried to do a good job at explaining the whole Niall/Zayn/Liam portion, and that you all enjoy this chapter :). Also, I tried my best to get up as soon as I could. I know I'm really bad updating but please understand that I do this for my own personal enjoyment and outside of this story I have quite a bit going on like I am sure you all do :)! I try and update as quickly as I can.

It’s dawn on a shit Monday when Louis receives a text message from his mum that says, “Can u come for dinner xx” Which isn’t an odd request seeing as he comes to dinner at least three times a week. He’s still curled in his bed, looking over at Edward who had crawled in with him at some point during the night, still slumbering.

 

It was fair to say that the toddler who had been blessed with Harry’s eyes and Harry’s curls, his porcelain skin and delicate lips, had just as easily been cursed with the personality of Louis. At only two years of age Edward, or Eddie, was a whirlwind of energy-in a constant state of curiosity even with his limited vocabulary. It was moments like these that Louis cherished the most. The two of them still curled up in bed with Edward still cuddled up against his side, where Louis could relax and look through his daily e-mails before having to get up.

 

Leaving London had been hard. Two years ago, Louis and a newborn Edward had struggled. They’d moved down the road from his mum while Louis searched for a job, lucky enough to become the assistant teacher for drama at the local secondary school, and then took over as the fulltime teacher when the original had retired. It paid alright, was enough to get the bills in and food on the table and occasionally a trip to the sea for a weekend with Edward when he had learned to walk. But Louis had become accustom to clipping coupons and keeping his own clothing shopping the barest minimum.

 

Niall had not stopped messaging him, even after Louis had answered after his brief message saying he was sorry he hadn’t told Niall sooner. He’d been so angry after being so sad, so fed up with shit friends who hadn’t cared about him or Edward. But it was Niall who had really helped him the most, excluding both Gene and Lee. Despite Louis going upwards of about four months of not answering a message, Niall had flown in for a visit to all their mates back in London and come all the way up to surprise both Louis and Edward.

 

They’d stayed up late talking, Louis explaining from the very beginning so Niall could understand everything that’d he had been struggling with, while Niall explained how he had been apologizing for months and was going mental that Louis wouldn’t answer him back. Louis had gone back through, looking at all the messages from Niall that he had opened but not actually read, and cried as he’d seen Niall become more desperate to explain why he had been so quick to judge. Forgiveness wasn’t easy, it had stung that Niall was so cross with him in the beginning, but as time went on and Louis re-read the original message from Niall many nights over the sting had slowly faded into understanding. Niall had never meant to hurt him, had even said he still loved Louis; the shock had been hard on all of them and Louis didn’t have it in him anymore to hold a grudge against the boy who had worked so hard to restore their friendship.

 

It was nice, to have one friend, even though Niall had decided he was happier back home in Ireland. His girlfriend from university, Amy, had made the move over and Niall was considering proposal. He and Louis kept in contact as often as they could, even if was just through the occasional phone call every month. It wasn’t perfect, but Louis was still (even two years later) so relieved to have someone other than his mum and Lee that he tried his best to overlook the distance between.

 

Louis hadn’t spoken to either Zayn or Liam since the move. Though there was the occasional like on Louis’ Facebook posts of pictures of Edward, and Louis often had missed phone calls from both-even a text message from Zayn trying to apologize, Louis didn’t have it in him to carry on the friendship with either of the boys. He had loved them both dearly before becoming pregnant with Edward, and had struggled with losing them after Edward was born, but the unsupportive atmosphere either had provided and the accusations from Zayn had led him to be less than able to forgive unlike he had for Nialls’. Also the support group he had attended once moving out of London had helped him move on from, “the toxic people in his life.”

 

And moving on from toxic people had meant that Louis didn’t try to contact Harry again after Harry had responded to his letter. It had been brief, and three weeks after Louis had moved home, before he had heard anything. He hadn’t expected Harry to respond, hadn’t expected the text message to cross his phone one night as he was doing the washing up, yet he had expected the way he had shattered a plate on the floor and bit the palm of his hand till it had bled to hold back his sobs so he wouldn’t wake up Edward. He still had it saved, despite everything, it was the only message he still had from Harry, even though it was two years later.

 

_Louis-_

_I wish I had more to say. Maybe things would have been different, if we both had been a bit more courageous. Thank you for finally being honest with me about everything. I want to be a part of Edward’s life. I can work out the details with your mum. This is a lot for me to take on right now and I am very overwhelmed. I’m not sure it’s best if we see each other. Sorry._

It was the stupidest message Louis had ever received. He’d gone through so many ranges of emotions once reading it, that he had finally just settled on completely blank. Once a month, Harry would come back home and visit. On Friday mornings Louis would drop Edward off with his mum, and pick him back up again on Monday evenings long after Harry had gone. At first his mum had tried to tell him how Harry was, how Anne and Gems and Robin were doing, how much everyone loved the sweet baby. It had only taken Louis storming out twice for her to stop bringing it up all together.

 

On one hand, Louis so badly wanted his mother to not speak to Harry. To be as angry and hurt as he was, and part of him didn’t doubt she was. She always looked tense when he would arrive home after work Monday’s after Harry had been there. He knew the fall out between he and Harry had taken a strain on her and Anne’s relationship-but he didn’t dare ask how either of them dealt with it. He preferred to live in his cloud of ignorance, a cloud where Harry never existed and Edward was just handed to him by a stroke of fortune. Louis found he was much happier this way, and was fine to live in it until Edward was old enough to start asking questions about why his other daddy lived so far away and acted like a twat. He wasn’t sure if Harry and Nick were still together, but he would prepare himself for those questions too if Edward ever asked. Right now, though, the idea of explaining any of it shattered him into pieces.

 

Yet Louis was sure if he followed through with his support group’s advice and strayed from the toxic relationship that he and Harry now shared, he would recover. There had been days when he had sat there with his finger hovering over Harry’s contact in his mobile, but he had always found it in him to put the mobile down. It was easier to breathe now, two years later, and though he was lonely and found himself still having days where he was unhappy-Louis was sure he had made the right decision.

 

**

 

“Dad!” Edward is sat up in his highchair, the television blaring some cartoon he’s faced to distract him as Louis stirs the pot of oatmeal and tries to ignore the mountain of dishes he’d never gotten round to the night before. The flat they shared was small, two bedrooms and a shared hall bath, an open floor plan that left the place looking cluttered and tight. It drove his mum mad that he was so forgetful about the washing up, and that their piles of dirty clothing seemed to be never ending as they hoarded up near the washing machine that was just thrust into a pocket of the ‘kitchen’ as some haphazard afterthought.

 

But it was home, and Louis never really minded all the toys scattered around near the sofa and coffee table, and that he had a stack of bills and schoolwork to grade constantly stacked up near their microwave. “What is it, bug?” He turns to Edward who is staring at him with a furrowed brow so similar to Louis’ own that he has to bite back a smirk.

 

“Juice?” Edward holds out a hand with one eyebrow popped, as if he’s fed up with Louis forgetting to hand over the elephant themed child’s cup complete with handles that were meant to be ears and a dark blue lid so that it wouldn’t spill.

 

“What do we say?” Louis asks as he unscrews the top and pours in a carton of juice all while Edward stares at him blankly. Louis turns the burner down on the oatmeal and brings the cup to him holding it up as Edward tries to grab it from his hands with a pout and a groan of annoyance when Louis doesn’t immediately unhand. “Ah, ah, ah!” Louis tsks at the two-year-old whose bottom lip begins to tremble and a wail erupts from his mouth.

 

“Mine!” Edward shrieks at him reaching out for the cup. “Dad, mine!” Louis sighs heavily at the tantrum, closing his eyes and counting back from ten as little fists pound against the table. He’d read all about the terrible twos.

 

“Edward, when we would like something we say ‘please, may I have some?’ Do you understand that?” He’s alarming patient considering he’s a single father and he has fifteen minutes before he’s meant to be out the door with a day bag packed for Edward to spend at his mums’, both of them dressed (well, mostly Edward; Louis had managed to find an unstained pair of trousers and a dark blue jumper that could cover his white button-down that had a stain of pasta sauce), and Edward changed into a fresh pair of pull-ups to work on potty training.

 

“No!” Edward snapped angrily at him, realizing his screeching wouldn’t work, crossing his tiny arms and pouting towards the television again; looking through Louis like he was a window.

 

“Fine then.” Louis snapped, knowing it was ridiculous to be so fed up with a baby, and stomping back over to the oatmeal so he could pour it into two bowls. “You can have it when you’re a bit nicer.” He could feel Edwards eyes turned to him, glowering at his back as he set down the juice cup and began spooning sugar and honey into each bowl.

 

There was a long silence, Louis waiting to see if his baby would make any start of an apology, but when he turned around with both the bowls Edward was still wearing the same glower he had when Louis had turned his back. “Are you going to say, ‘I’m sorry daddy?’ You’ve hurt my feelings when you were rude about your juice. When we hurt people’s feelings we tell them we are sorry.” Edwards glower slowly starts to fade and he looks down at his bowl of oatmeal Louis’ placed in front of him.

 

“Sorry, daddy.” He says automatically. He reaches a tiny hand up to Louis cheek, eyes big and apologetic, and Louis bends down to press a kiss against Edward’s own.

 

“I accept your apology. Thank you very much for apologizing.” Louis hugs him tight, and represses the thoughts of how he had seen those eyes so long ago when Harry used to reach for Louis’ cheek after a fight. He squeezes Eddie tighter blowing a raspberry against the boy’s soft cheek trying to wring out every last thought of Harry.

 

**

 

“So you’ll be home…” His mum is wringing her hands from where they are both stood in the door. Louis is running late, meaning he’s going to have to power walk from his mums’ to the school, and he really doesn’t have time for this idle chatter she seems to be desperate to have.

 

“Whenever I get off!” He snaps, “Look mum, I love you, but I come to dinner most Monday’s. I’ll be here whenever I can be here. I promise by next year he’ll be in school and you won’t have to do full days with him if that’s what you’re so worried about.” Louis hates being cross with his mum considering how much she does for him, but he can’t help but feel slightly annoyed at her strange attitude all morning.

 

Edward had insisted walking the entire way there, causing them to already be behind, and then threw a tantrum when Louis had kissed him goodbye; now cuddled up with Doris and Ernest (who were eight now and eager to have a baby to play with before school). From the second both he and Edward had walked in his mum had seemed off. She’d been in her ‘cleaning clothes’ and had been avoiding most questions Louis had asked about why she was so insistent he be at dinner.  

 

“Right.” She says, looking over to where Edward was sucking on his thumb and the corner of his baby blanket, following along with a story Doris was reading him. “I…you know I don’t mind him. I love having a baby around. Makes me miss when they were little.” She tears up a little looking over at her youngest two. “It’s just that you grow up so fast and you know I love you? Right? That I do everything I can and I don’t try to hurt you on purpose?” She dabs at her eyes with the corner of her sleeve.

 

“Right…” Louis drawls slowly staring at her like she’s lost it. “I know mum. I love you very much and I appreciate everything. Honest. And you don’t hurt me…ever?” He gives her a hug, “Are you sure you can take him? I can call up Mrs. Green next door. I know she’s a bit older but she can handle him for the day if you’re not…you know.”

 

“No!” His mum says pulling back. “No, no. I’ve got him. It’s alright. You just have a lovely day and don’t worry about me. Didn’t sleep well and I started reading a new book that’s got me all bent out of shape. Silly me for crying.” She walks herself into the living to pat at Ernie’s leg to draw him from his stupor of watching cartoons. “Right you two! Time to get yourself ready for school-let me have some time with my little cuddle monster.” She scoops up Edward from the couch, tickling at his sides to distract him as Louis makes his swift exit-a set plan they’d used for the past months once Edward started going mental at the sight of Louis leaving.

 

As he takes as many shortcuts as he can and tries his best not to break out into a complete sweat, Louis can’t help but wonder what has got his mother so worried over him. It’s a short lived thought, though, as he walks into the school past a group of year sevens throwing what looks like a wad of paper soaked in spit at a group of girls causing them to shriek and the boys to erupt in fits of laughter.

 

“Oi!” Louis says walking towards the group, preparing to act as if he’ll write them up to send them on their way to their first classes. He doesn’t even make it four steps before they’re all scattering with muttered insults Louis pretends he doesn’t hear, making his way down to the drama classroom trying to swallow the embarrassment of twelve-year-olds calling him a ‘faggot teacher.’

 

It was going to be a long day.

 

**

 

It doesn’t get much better. He spends the first period in a funk over the boys’ comments and his inability to chase after them to write them up. His mum texts him to tell him that Edward’s thrown six tantrums in the past hour and refused to go down for a nap until Louis returns home, and then his mobile dies as he tries to type back a reply while he groans in frustration at having forgotten to put it on the charger the night before.

 

 Louis realizes he had forgotten to pack himself a lunch, and doesn’t have the pocket change to buy anything more than a banana to tide him over till dinner. He has to write up seven students who turn physical in his second period class over relationship drama that was so intricate he still wasn’t entirely sure what was going on. In his fifth period nobody remembered to write their assigned monologues so they play as many improve games he can think of before the students begin making them sex jokes that turn less than subtle; it ends up with all of the students being forced to write the forgotten monologues in silent anger at him for the rest of period. In the period after, one boy throws up on the girl next to him and they have to move to the lunch room to finish up the lesson while the janitor cleans the stain and Louis can calm the rest of the class down from their hysteria.

 

 By his last period Louis is sure nothing else can go wrong but he’s not at all surprised when the headmaster walks in to observe the lesson and all of his students are sat on their mobiles ignoring him trying to engage them in Shakespeare. It ends with the headmaster giving him a disappointed look and a list of improvements he should make by the next time he gets observed.

 

Louis rushes back home, too fed up with the day and ready to curl up into bed with Edward and start over. He’s lost in his thoughts as he makes his way up the garden, only distracted back out of them when he sees a car he doesn’t recognize sat in the drive.

 

Pushing open the door and dropping his messenger bag to the floor he calls out, “Mum?” only to hear the pitter patter of little feet as Edward comes running towards him.

 

“Dad!” He squeals excitedly, reaching his arms up to wrap around Louis’ legs bouncing in excitement as Louis bends down to pick him up.

 

“Hiya baby!” Louis says, relieved at his sons happy mood. He blows a few kisses on Edward’s cheeks causing the baby to squeal loudly and shriek with giggles as Louis cuddles him close. “I love you, I love you, I love you.” Louis tells him as he continues to bounce Edward around, jiggling him up and down.

 

“Love you!” Edward manages to get out as he reaches his little hands to wrap around his father’s neck. Louis closes his eyes as he presses Edward close, letting his legs wrap around Louis’ hips so they are chest to chest and he can hide his face in Edward’s soft hair.

 

“I missed you, bug. Did you miss me?” He pulls back to look at Edward who knocks their noses together.

 

“Miss you,” Edward nods empathetically and then turns in his arms to clamber down. “Daddy!” He says tugging on his fathers hand babbling in his jumbled form of English. “Daddy come! Cake,” He nods his head towards the kitchen.

 

“Alright, alright. Suppose I can go for some cake.” Louis says to him laughing as Edward tugs him in the opposite direction of the living and down the hallway to the kitchen and sitting room. “But only if you race me!”

 

They take off down the hallway with Edward shrieking ahead of him, turning back to giggle as Louis runs as slowly as he can only to speed up and scoop Edward back in his arms.

 

The sight that greets him in the kitchen almost has him dropping the boy onto the tile floor. Sat at the large oak table with a beautiful centerpiece of flowers and a chocolate cake is his mum…and Harry. Louis’ heart stops as he carefully puts Edward back onto the ground who runs back over to the seat that was next to Harry’s own, a half eaten piece of cake on the table.

 

Louis’ mum looks up at him terrified, her eyes apologetic as she reaches out a trembling hand to tuck Edward closer to her-the child completely oblivious to the tension that had entered the room. Harry stands up, catching Edward’s attention as he makes to step towards Louis causing Louis to back up.

 

“Hi, Louis.” Harry says, looking just as scared as Louis’ mum. Louis’ face turns white as his head starts to spin, he reaches a hand out to catch himself against the wall, his eyes unable to move off of Harry’s own. “I was hoping maybe…you’d want to talk?”

 

Louis turns, doesn’t think twice about the way his feet automatically move and runs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my... :(..


	8. You're the Cure, You're the Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ************WARNING***************************WARNING***************************WARNING***************
> 
> THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS MENTION OF A PAST VERBALLY AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. IF THAT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, TRIGGERS YOU, OR CAUSES ANY EMOTIONAL PAIN PLEASE DO NOT READ AND INSTEAD MESSAGE ME FOR A SHORTENED VERSION. 
> 
>  
> 
> ************WARNING***************************WARNING***************************WARNING***************
> 
> You're the light, you're the night  
> You're the color of my blood  
> You're the cure, you're the pain  
> You're the only thing I wanna touch  
> Never knew that it could mean so much, so much
> 
> \--Ellie Goulding
> 
>  
> 
> Now that I have that, hello! Hope you are all doing well. I know I'm the worst updater in the history of the updating world...the teacher life kind of sucks a lot? Also I kept changing how this chapter went but I am finally satisfied. Hope you've all been good and thank you all SO MUCH for your kind words in my tumblr inbox as well as here. It means the absolute world to me. Hope that this is good and you all enjoy reading it as much as I have writing it :).

Louis doesn’t get as far as he intends. He wants to keep running right out of the village, off to another one where Harry would have no clue to look, but he halts in the front garden and falls to his knees. He feels himself dry heave and can taste the salty water from his tears as he gags up his pitiful lunch. He doesn’t register that he’s in his mums front garden crying, her nosiest neighbor Mrs. Green peeking through the drapes across the road, until he feels a pair of hands on his shoulders.

 

“Get off.” He says icily, his throat feels raw and even though he’s still hunched on the ground over the begonias he can feel himself shaking.

 

“It’s just me,” his mum says quietly. “He’s still inside with Eddie, it’s just me.”

 

“Please.” He says to her while shrugging out of her hands. He places his now dirt covered palms onto his thighs as he hunches over. “Get off me, mum.” She backs off him but she doesn’t leave. They are silent as he continues to cry, shaken sighs breaking through every so often.

 

Why was Harry back? Why was he there, inside Louis’ mum’s kitchen, eating cake with their son? Louis couldn’t believe the audacity Harry had, walking in and wanting to talk to him as if the past two, almost three, years of their lives hadn’t happened. He stands back up intending to back inside and get Eddie to go home and never leave until Harry got the hint and left town. “Are…” His mum comes forward. “You okay?” She asks but he can tell she regrets it the second it slips out of her mouth.

 

“No.” He tells her honestly. “I’m not.” He turns around dusting off the bits of grass and dirt he can. He takes a step forward but then stops himself suddenly blocked by the thought of Harry inside the four walls just before him. Hot anger spikes up his spine and viciously tears out through his mouth. “How the _Hell_ could you?” He whirls around and points a finger at his unsuspecting mum who gapes. “How the absolutely _Hell_ could you do this to me? You knew I couldn’t do this. You of all people knew it mum. Yet you think it’s just okay to lie to me and have him around? You think that it’s just all a bucket of roses between the two of us?” He can’t help the way he’s shouting at her now and she’s staring tearfully back at him.

 

“I’m sorry.” She tries to tell him, wringing her hands. “I’m sorry, Louis-“

 

He cuts her off, “Wow that’s just fantastic. You’re sorry. Real bang up job, mum. So glad you’re _sorry_ that you did this.” He’s seething at this point, his jaw clenched and entire body trembling with the urge to punch in the windows of the expensive looking car he presumes is Harry’s.

 

“Louis, honestly I didn’t know!” She says to him as he moves towards the car to kick it but changes his mind at the last second and instead rips at one of the hedges so leaves tumble around him. “Please, darling. You’re not going to feel any better by ripping up the hedges…honestly, Louis.” She holds tight onto his arm that’s now bleeding, cut up by sharper branches and he breaks. He leans against her and cries, feels six all over again and being told he can’t have Harry forever. “I’m sorry,” She tells him softer this time. She rubs his back and rocks him as he cries. “I thought you were hiding it from me…he told me that you two had spoken some and he wanted to surprise you by coming in. You hadn’t said anything, so I was worried about it, but I thought maybe you were afraid to tell me you’d taken him back.”

 

“Never had him to begin with.” He chokes out smushed into her neck as he continues to cry.

 

“It’s alright.” Is all she says. “You’re going to be okay.” He doesn’t know how long they stand there by the torn up hedges, Mrs. Green still staring from between her drapes, all he can register is the thought that when he walks back inside he’ll have to be face to face with Harry once again.

 

**

 

His mum goes in first, and he steps off in the side toilet by the front door to clean himself up so he doesn’t frighten Eddie with his bleeding hands and red eyes. His face is pale, and he can’t mask the tear tracks and watered eyes as much as he tries but he supposes it could be worse. Adjusting his jumper down over the cuts, he makes his way back out and prepares himself for the worst five minutes of his life.

 

The plan was for him to come in, politely tell Harry he had no interest in speaking to him at the present time and then get Edward collected to go home. His mum said she’d see Harry out and make sure he knew not to contact her or Louis again.

 

He steels himself with a breath before pushing open the door to the kitchen. The second he walks in he can spots his mum storing away the leftover cake, an uncooked casserole he hadn’t noticed before is sat out on the countertop and Edward is at his knees in a second.

 

“Daddy!” He whines and Louis needs a second to breathe anyways, so he picks him up to give Eddie a cuddle. Harry is watching carefully from the other side of the table, not saying a word and not making any movements, eyes trained like a hawk on what Louis does however. “Kisses?” Edward squishes Louis cheeks so his lips pucker up and despite the tension that’s crept in with him, Louis finds himself smiling softly at his young son.

 

“Kisses,” He confirms hoarsely and peppers a few on Eddie’s cheeks as the boy giggles happily, tucking under Louis’ chin. “Kay, no more.” He tells Louis after he’s given a few of his own. “Done please.”

 

“Okay. I love you.” Louis says to him and Eddie smiles back at him.

 

“Daddy,” He points over to where Harry is. “Pa?” Louis isn’t sure what Eddie is trying to ask because his heart clenches up into his throat at the thought of Harry being papa to Eddie. Harry knowing that Louis was daddy and willingly taking on papa.

 

“What?” Louis asks his son who has begun to wiggle out of his arms. He sets Eddie down and watches as he toddles over to where Harry is. He’s frozen to the spot and it appears Harry might be as well because when Eddie reaches him Harry makes no move to pick him up.

 

“Play it?” Eddie asks him. “Play it with daddy?” ‘It’ is Eddie’s favorite new game. It’s a silly version of tag where Louis chases him around their flat and tickles him whenever he can catch up. He figured Eddie had learned it at nursery school from the other children and teachers, but it appears it might be something he’s caught on from Harry.

 

For a terrifying second, Louis thinks Harry might ignore Eddie in favor of staring back at him but then Harry bends down to be eye level with the two-year-old.

 

“How about we play some after dinner? Nana has scrummy food for you to eat to get all tough for it.” Louis let’s out a breath and knows it’s his time to step forward now.

 

“We can’t after dinner.” He isn’t sure if it’s directed to Harry or Eddie but he steps to them both. “We’re actually leaving now.” This is directed to Harry and Eddie pouts angrily up at his dad.

 

“No.” He tells him crossly and stamps a foot. “Play it now.”

 

“Not tonight, Edward.” Louis says and he wants to be gentle but a temper tantrum by his unpredictable two-year-old was not in the cards for him at the moment. “Let’s go get our toys now. It’s time for the bus.” They don’t always take the bus home, it only runs until a certain hour and his mums’ isn’t that far but it’s nice at night when Louis is exhausted and Eddie just wants to sleep on the way back.

 

“I could drive you,” Harry pipes up immediately. “So we could talk and you don’t have to take the bus.” Louis turns to him and Harry is staring hopeful back at him.

 

“No.” He says startled. “I don’t want that.” He says it before he has thought that he shouldn’t but doesn’t feel an urge to take it back. “I don’t want to talk to you.” He feels defensive, his arms crossed protectively over his stomach as he stares wide eyed at Harry.

 

It could have gone better, but the words are out; then before he can backtrack and say something else, Louis rushes forward to pick up Eddie and get their things.

 

He ignores Harry’s protests and Eddie’s whines as he quickly grabs the bag that has Eddie’s blanket and other necessities, before scooting out the door with Harry standing watching from the garden.

 

The bus ride home is long and cold, but Eddie falls asleep due to the silent older crowd that is also filled with exhausted people making their way home from a long day. Louis just barely makes it through the ride telling himself he imagined the whole thing.

 

**

 

It isn’t easy pretending Harry wasn’t there earlier that day because the moment he comes home, Louis’ phone is bombarded by Harry. It’s ten messages in and six phone calls later that Louis feels done in. He’s gone and tucked Eddie up into his bed, a big boy bed now that he was two, and even done the washing up because their plates from breakfast that morning were scattered along the counter space; just so he could ignore the constant vibration on the coffee table from his mobile.

 

“Shut up.” He glares at his mobile as it lights up again. His fingers itch to turn it off but some stupid part of him hovers each time he sees the power off button light up across the screen. Just as he grabs it to turn it off again his phone lights up with, “Harry xx :P” he had been so unable to change the name. By a slip of the finger he accidentally clicks answer and there’s a beat of silence.

 

His heart hammers in his chest as his hands shake, bringing the phone up to his ear. It’s only a little after 8 pm but his entire flat complex is as silent as the phone call feels.

 

Finally, “Louis?” There’s another pregnant pause and Louis tries to open his mouth to tell Harry to fuck off or lose his number but instead nothing but a puff of air expels from his lungs. “Are you there?”

 

Louis thinks now would be the best time to hang up his phone but he can’t bring himself to do it. Harry waits another beat and Louis hopes with all his heart that he might be the one to hang up. “Louis, I really need to talk to you. I know you want nothing to do with me.” Louis thinks Harry might start crying and he really, truly, hopes not because there’s never been a time in his life where he’s been able to handle a crying Harry. “If I was you I wouldn’t either. These past couple of years have been horrible, Lou…and I really need you right now. I really need to talk to you.”

 

It’s the last comment that manages to dreg up Louis’ voice from where it had been lost somewhere in the pit of his swirling stomach of nerves. “Excuse me?” He chokes out and thinks they’re both surprised by his voice. “You _what_?” He’s en-route to hysteria at this point, a giggle emerging from deep his throat as tears spike his eyes.

 

“Um,” Harry says seemingly lost as to why Louis is laughing through the line at him, “I just wanted to talk to you because I really need you right now.” That does it, Louis let’s out a full body laugh at him and can’t contain the way the tears come from his eyes. “I don’t understand why you’re laughing.” Harry says and he sounds a bit cross.

 

“You bloody need me _now_? You think I should care that you need me _now_? Did it matter that I needed _you_ when Edward was born and I was on my own? You selfish, fucking prick.” He spits down the line. “I can’t believe you would fucking think that showing up and saying you need me because _your_ life has been hard would make me magically want to have you in my life again. Quit fucking calling me, Harry.” He hangs up with a bitter snort and makes his way to the upper shelf in the refrigerator where his beer was safely stored from curious two-year-old hands.

 

Unbelievable was probably the only way he could describe Harry’s actions. As he sits at his kitchen table, drinking his beer forlornly, Louis hangs his head and lets himself cry over losing Harry again.

 

**

 

It’s three hours later when a soft rapt of knuckles on his front door comes. Louis thinks he might of imagined it because he’s curled up under a pile of blankets and surrounded by five empty bottles but the noise comes again louder, so Louis mutes the television and stands up.

 

He throws the blanket over the back of the couch and bins all the bottles in case it’s his elderly neighbor who occasionally came round to check-in on Louis. He hopes she hadn’t heard his crying through the thin walls when he was beating his head against the table trying to rid himself of Harry’s voice. His hair is stuck up funny when he catches his appearance in the mirror hanging on the wall right next to the door, so he tries to flatten it but then gives up when he notices he’s still in the shirt that had a jam stain on it.

 

Opening the door he prepares himself for some rock-hard toffees and a cup of tea while he sends his neighbor back next door with the promise he’d go to sleep with a clearer head. He does not expect a windblown and red-faced Harry Styles to be staring back at him.

 

He slams the door, thinking he must be imagining it, and then re-opens it only to see that Harry was still standing there. Louis tries to close the door again but Harry’s quicker this time, prepared for Louis to push him out, and throws a foot out to stop the door from being closed.

 

Panicking, Louis turns around and runs back inside the flat unsure of where he could go to hide from Harry. It ends up with him hovering uncomfortably in the living room while Harry stares at him from across the threshold.

 

“Louis.” Harry says uncomfortably quiet, his voice cracking. “Can I come in?”

 

“No.” Louis says surprised by his own firm voice. “You can’t.”

 

“Alright.” Harry doesn't seem all that deterred, and instead leans himself against the open door frame. “I just want to talk to you.” Louis stares at him like fish with his mouth opening and closing stupidly.

 

“How did you get here?” He asks disregarding Harry’s statement.

 

“There aren't that many Louis Tomlinson’s working in a drama job around here. I just looked up the teacher’s directory online and your flat listing was there.” Louis forgot that a year back the school was having problems with students being kicked out of their homes with no place to go, so the teachers decided to list their homes online in case they ever needed a place to stay before they could get help. He would have to go back and change that once he relocated so Harry the newborn blood hound detective couldn't sniff him out again. “I was really desperate. I know it’s mental that I did that but I really needed to see you.” Harry at least has the decency to look embarrassed by it and looks down at his impeccably polished loafers. Louis hates his loafers.

 

“But…how did you get in? I didn't buzz you up.” He makes that bit clear, still unsure of how Harry managed to worm himself into the building.

 

“I…saw your name on the call-box, and your flat number, so I've just been waiting for someone to come out so I could get in.” Louis is sure the blank fish stare on his face only intensifies.

 

“You’re bloody mental.” He tells Harry after a beat. “You’re like a fucking serial killer.”

 

“It wasn't that hard to do Lou, honestly. Anyone could do it, I didn't have to put in that much effort to find yo-“ Louis let’s out a hoarse gasp.

 

“That’s exactly what a fucking mental, serial killer would say. Get out of here.” He points in the vague direction of the stairs that would lead Harry back down to the first floor and back outside. “Or I’ll call the police.”

 

“Louis I don’t want to hurt you.” Harry says pleadingly, “I just want to talk with you.”

 

“Had too much fun doing it already?” Louis snarls. “Lose it’s appeal after the first year of shutting me out? Are you too exhausted from hurting me? Poor, ickle, Hazza so tired of having to do all this _hurting_ that he can’t bare the bloody _thought_ of doing it anymore so he’s just come to ‘talk’ because he’s such a good. Fucking. _Person_.” The last three words are screamed out and Louis’ heart is pounding madly as his chest heaves in time.

 

“No,” Harry furrows his eyebrows. “I never meant to…Lou.” Harry’s trembling now, his entire body shaking, “I’m so sorry.” He crumples and Louis almost feels bad for his outburst.

 

“Well. You should be.” Louis entire body aches to go take Harry into his arms but he stands rooted to the spot watching as Harry cries in pity.

 

“I know. I know I should be. But I really need to talk with you…please, just. I’ll go when I’m done I just need you to understand.” He’s still crying and Louis takes a long few minutes to consider telling Harry to go run himself back outside and back to London and back to Nick. He can't deny that he's curious, though, so he feels his resolve breaking down.

 

“Fine.” He says. “I’m not staying up all night though so it can’t last very long.”

 

Harry doesn't respond as he wordlessly walks in and shuts the door with a quiet snick, following Louis to the sofa where they sit in a silence. There’s an elephant sized space is between them as they stare ahead at the wall in front of them. Louis shuts off the muted television.

 

“I’m sorry-“ Harry starts to say again, turning his body to face Louis who doesn't budge an centimeter.

 

“Don’t bother.” Louis says to him. “If this is just you here to repeatedly apologize and expect me to open my arms and let you back in, don’t bloody bother.”

 

Harry stays quiet again, his body slumping back to face the same direction as Louis’ own, his head hanging down. “It’s not.”

 

“Wow.” Is all Louis can think to say back at the almost quiet truth. “Could have fooled me.” Louis wants to stop with the sarcastic comments but his mouth appears to have a mind of its own as it rises up into a smirk when Harry flinches at the comment.

 

“I came to tell you about Nick.” Harry tells him, frowning down at his jeans.

 

“I don’t want to hear about Nick.” Louis snaps, astounded at him. “So you can save it.” He starts to stand up and make his way to his bedroom, praying that Harry knows well enough to see himself out but Harry grabs his arm, wheeling him around; Louis rips it back as if he’d been burned. He can feel the imprint of Harry’s finger tips around his wrist, the hairs on his arm rising into goose bumps.

 

“I know you don’t.” Harry says desperately. “I know but you have to hear about him so I can explain everything.” Louis considers following through with his original plan. He still isn't sure why he was even sat on the sofa with Harry in the first place but something about the edge in Harry’s voice makes him sit back down.

“Go on then.” He tells him. “Finish up.”

 

“He’s getting married.” Harry says to him. “Nick is getting married to someone else.”

 

“So?” Louis doesn't understand why it’s relevant to him and he really doesn't understand the way he can feel his own heart clench at the memory of Harry being hurt by Nick’s selfish actions.

 

“I just…Lou. I wanted so badly to see you after Ed…I just.” Harry looks like the lost twenty-year-old boy that had been in the hospital room, firm by Louis’ side. It makes Louis’ chest clench tighter. “Nick and I started to fight a lot. After you left with Ed. We fought all the time, for months and months. When you came by to see us, I didn't know how to handle anything going on. Nick was jealous of the baby, of you, of how it would change him and I. I thought I loved him and I panicked. I was so upset you hadn't trusted me enough to tell me and I was so afraid. And I know you were too. I know you were more afraid than me but I was stupid. I was a stupid, selfish, prick who didn't realize that at the time.” Louis stays silent during the tangent.

 

“It wasn't because I didn't trust you.” Louis tells him, stripped down to nothing but honesty. “It’s because I trusted you too much.”

 

“Yeah.” Harry tells him. “I know.” They stay quiet again. “I…after you moved Nick told me he didn't want me to talk to you anymore.” Harry sniffs, and his eyes turn red again like he’s about to cry. “I really wanted to call you once you sent that letter but I thought I loved him, and I wanted to make him happy.”

 

“That’s not right, Harry.” Louis tells him, “He shouldn’t have been telling you who you could see. That wasn’t okay.”

 

“I know. I know now. But I didn’t then. So didn’t. I just thought maybe one time I would catch you when I saw Eddie on the weekends, I was hoping so bad that you would be there and I could tell you everything. That I could apologize. He checked my call log for a full year, Lou. He didn’t believe me that I wasn’t seeing you. And I was so, stupidly, addicted to him that I thought it was normal.” Louis shakes, thinks of innocent Harry thinking he was doing the right thing by letting Nick control him. Terrified and waiting for Louis to come help him. He swallows the guilt down as Harry continues. “He told me that you would eventually stop caring, that you only sent me that letter because you wanted money from me, that you purposely got me drunk so you could get knocked up for a reason. I didn’t want to believe him, Lou, but it was really hard not to when he was so, _so_ convincing. And I was so confused by us. So confused by how you didn’t tell me when we were supposed to be best mates. I was such an idiot.” Harry cries.

 

“You’re not an idiot.” Louis tells him softly, and his hands clench like he wants to grab Harry’s hand and squeeze. “Okay, maybe a bit,” He says softly with a sad smile at Harry, “But only because you should have listened to your gut telling you that I wouldn’t have done that. I love…”He cuts himself off. “I loved you very much, Harry. I wouldn’t have done that. I was trying to be happy for you two. That’s why I never told you. I didn’t expect it to all come out like this.” They stay quiet.

 

“I know.” Harry says. “I’m sorry for everything, Lou. I probably couldn’t stop apologizing.” Louis doesn’t say anything. “I broke up with him last year, but I figured it was too late by then. Every time I came to your mums she was always telling me how happy you were and how you were getting by so well. I didn’t want to ruin that by trying to force myself into your life. And I was still…I still felt scared Nick would be angry if I went back to you. Then I just got the invite, last week, in the mail about him getting married and I knew it was my chance. I knew it would be okay to come back and he wouldn’t try to do anything to stop me this time.”

 

“Harry, why didn’t you tell the police? Or your mum? Or my mum, or…someone?” Louis asks him imploringly. “He was abusing you.” Harry flinches at the word and Louis feels instantly guilty. “You do know that, don’t you? That he was?”

 

“I know.” Harry says softly. “Yeah. I know. But it’s not easy just to tell people, Louis. It took me a long time to even figure it out for myself. I wasn’t ready to go round telling people I let the father of my child walk out  of my life because some bloke I was dating told me not to. It’s embarrassing.”

 

“That’s not.” Louis tells him softly. “I can’t say that I understand but. Don’t be embarrassed, Harry.” It’s a lot to take in. The thought of Harry trying so hard to get his attention without making it obvious, the lack of phone calls and messages all because he was being monitored. Louis doesn’t know whether to hug him and never let him go, or send him along again with a friendly smile and the promise to sometimes meet up on the weekends with Eddie.

 

“I know you probably don’t know what to say.” Harry tells him. “I…I wouldn’t either. Especially with the way I acted today.”

 

“Right.” Louis says, remembering the lie Harry had told his mum just so he could see Louis. “Why did you lie about why you were back to my mum?”

 

“Didn’t think she’d let me see you any other way.” Harry says honest. “I figured it was better that way.”  


They fall silent again. “Where are you staying?” Louis asks him, gently, as they watch the cable box time change from 11:57 to 11:58.

 

“Hotel. My mum doesn’t know I’m in yet. Was going to go tomorrow to say hello to her. Figured I’d stay with her for a bit.” There’s only one hotel in their village and it’s on the opposite end. At this time of night the buses probably weren’t running and Harry would have to walk a full hour just to get to it.

 

“You could kip here…if you needed.” Louis doesn’t know where it comes from.

“What?” Harry asks him bewildered, obviously just as shocked by Louis’ kindness as Louis himself.

 

“Yeah…I mean. I know it would be a bit of a shit walk back.” Louis tells him.

 

“I drove here,” Harry points out but smiles sheepishly. “But I’d like to stay, if that’s alright with you.”

 

“Well. I offered.” Louis shrugs. He stands up and moves to the hall closet and pulls out an extra quilt and pillow he kept stored for guests. “Here you go.”

 

He stands awkwardly as Harry toes off his loafers and sheds his coat. “Thank you.” Harry tells him as he takes the pillow.

 

Louis doesn’t know what they are as they stand there. Friends? They weren’t anywhere close to that. Definitely not lovers. Yet, they weren’t exactly the sworn enemies he thought they were just that morning. “What are we?” He says quickly, regretting it the instant it comes out of his mouth. He feels desperate even asking Harry. Harry tilts his head at him as if he’s evaluating the answer. He squints and then his eyes soften as he smiles.

 

“Starting over?” He asks, and Louis doesn’t really want to be at that point either but he nods.

 

“Alright.” He turns around and moves to Edwards bedroom to make sure the boy was still asleep. He pauses before he opens Edwards door. “Night, Harry.”

 

Harry watches him as he goes into Edwards bedroom, tucking the boy’s blankets back around him as Eddie curls up, his little arms cuddled around his stuffed bear, fat fist clenching his baby blanket. Louis shuts the door and moves to his own room. “Night, Louis.”

 

Louis closes his door and lies own, fisting his own eyes tiredly as tears threaten to fall again for the third time that day. “What the fuck.” He whispers to himself as he shuffles under his covers. “What…the actual fuck.”

 

**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whomp...there it is. Please comment I love reading them!!

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave comments/kudos :)


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